Some days it feels like I’ll never get my life
sorted out.
I want to be a writer,
but I hardly ever write
anymore.
And I want to be a scientist,
but where do I start?
There is so much I want to do
so much I want to see
and I have to start deciding
now?

Everyone wants me to be
successful, or happy,
but neither of these things mean
anything at all to me anymore.
Neither of them are important.
I often feel like
I have a
destiny
like I’m meant for something
great and important and huge
like I’ll rattle the stars someday
but
how do I do that?

I don’t want
to have to run away
with a mad man
in a blue box
to make my simple life
matter.
And some days
I don’t want to matter
at all -
I don’t want anyone
to trust me or rely on me
I don’t want to be
responsible
for anyone or anything.

I have spent
so much of my life
so horribly alone -
watching others’ lives go past,
sitting on the sidelines
as they orchestrate and control
their little worlds.
Did they not ever feel
that miserable soul-ache,
did the fear
that none of it mattered
never press down on them
and threaten
to take it all away?

Did they never
look up at the stars
and scream at nothing
and have no one listen
and have no one care?

I have lived alone
and I have lived together
with others
and we all feel alone sometimes,
some of us more than most.
Happiness for me
is no longer an option
and I don’t care at all
about any standards of success
but if I can make you
feel less alone,
even for one second,
then I have done all I can,
I have rattled the stars
to their very cores,
my life has mattered
so very much.
I have been incredibly,
insanely, unbelievably
important.