For a long time,
my mind
lived in
a very thin
black cloud
that kept
pursuing me
and seldom allowed
any rest or peace,

and I believed
that I deserved
this dark disease
of shady self-hurt.

For a long time,
I believed
that doubting me
was the surest form
of safe sanity,
that confidence
and vanity
would damage me
to grand degrees,
making me
dangerous,
and a detriment
to what others need.

For the longest time,
I thought to be good
I would have to
sacrifice my safety
and sanity.
That maintaining
my financial security
and avoiding poverty
made me
a selfish *****.

For a long time,
I have been
the smartest
dumb ****
I have ever met,
but I am working on
getting over that.