You 'up there' are the thin motion in my heart that draws in the sinking feeling from my chest to the point I collapse, leaving darkness to reside and proceeding to intensify deep in my mind; inflicting helplessness and a sense of irritability.  

My actions continue to be in alignment with the impulsiveness of my thoughts, in which I question the longevity of, and whether in that moment, 'feels like a decade of reasoning with myself' are they meant to be actioned or let pass with the storm that brews beside them, these thoughts create immense magnitude of hurt, trying to understand why.

I am convoluted in my thought process, but I manage to portray a life that looks seamless to the sheltered eye, people admire and aspire the path that's leading me, but they don't see the tears, pain, the fight and the whirlwind of criticism...my mind absorbed cynicism with comfort, there is a power in listening, observe before actioning, this skill is undermined.
Everyone's mind is unique just don't leave it in the box it was built-in.