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Oct 2019
When I wake up in the morning after a night of restless sleep
The first thing I think to say to my partner is “I won’t be able to make dinner tonight.”
Dinner, dinner, dinner-- it’s all I care about.
Dinner is the sun that my world revolves around.

The truth is, I had to call in sick today (so turns out I will be able to make dinner).
After a few nights of only a couple hours of sleep, I don’t feel right.
I talk about 8 hours of sleep almost as much as I talk about dinner.
I nonchalantly ask coworkers and friends “how much sleep do you shoot for? How much sleep did you get last night?” (in the same vein-- “what are you going to have for dinner?”)
Just to get IDEAS and to have something to compare myself to.

I’m so impressionable.
I watch an indie film that is beautiful and disturbing and then I can’t sleep.
I’m envious of those people (my partner included) who can fall asleep just like THAT.
He falls asleep while he’s reading.
As soon as he gets in bed, he’s basically asleep.
There’s lots of people like that, I think, but I’m not one of them.
I have to mentally prepare, almost. I have to wind down.
And even though I wanted to watch it, and I chose it, watching an equally beautiful and disturbing indie film is not winding down for me,
(And neither is reading Blood Meridian, or any Cormac McCarthy book, for that matter).

Perhaps it’s the changing seasons, my mom suggests, and that could be.
But I was counting down the days, obsessively checking the weather forecast, WAITING for the days to cool down, and now that they are and it finally feels like autumn, I can’t sleep.
So maybe, afterall, my mind and my body are not always synchronized
And there’s possibly science in the fact that weather could disrupt a person’s circadian rhythm.

But I don’t need to figure it out right this second,
it’s fine.
Madeleine Toerne
Written by
Madeleine Toerne  23/F/Ann Arbor
(23/F/Ann Arbor)   
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