sometimes
i get so frustrated with my dad
i yell at him
accuse him
blame him
i refuse to eat
whatever he's spent
so much time
and effort cooking for me...
and all of the above
is the result of
hating that he has to do it
in the first place
and it's absolutely idiotic
and horrible of me
to do this to him
but i can't translate
the pain
in a healthy way
i can't articulate
that some minuscule
dead
part of me
misses mom
even
after everything
every time
she tries to talk to me
it's like she pushes
this reset button
and i am back
with my old friends
panic attack,
despair,
hatred
and the tears slip out of me
so easily
i no longer feel them
they have become
so natural
like the freckles
on my face
my life is freckled
with tears