Sep 2019
ENOUGH
I AM ENOUGH!
BUT WAS NEVER ENOUGH FOR YOU!
It was 2011, walking into a new world of my life …High school bright eyed, long skirt waving at her knees, the world was her oyster…at least that is what they told her …she smiled the kind of smile that puts the hum in a humming birds heart …she did not realise that humming birds do not last long in the wild …you see, this is the story of a hopeful girl turned cold turned strong…
The girl grabbed her by the hand and introduced her to a world that she would get to know all to wall
She smiled, after she asked me to carry her bag to class thinking that this one favour would place her in the good graces of those who ran this kingdom we call life
she understood when her invitation didn’t show up at my door after serving them so well as if the ground was not far enough to sink down too, when everything around her told her to work harder, to pull their pants up…to take it , “ we were just joking” she cried at home wondering how she can stop being the clown…she changed that day
She was me
She never knew how much I carried until carrying was the only thing I seemed to do
Never knew how much I cried till I used my smile to hide it
I didn’t want to be myself, because myself was a disappointment to everyone…myself? Was not the status quo! Myself? Was the girl in the library, the girl with bushy hair and round glasses the girl the girl who well, who was not good enough…who was never anyone’s first option …who was not her own first option…
You see …I made your pain more important than mine … a characteristic that I carried with me ….another thing I carried …as if each of the tears that fell from you filled my cup until there was no longer space for mine…
As if holding onto to your pain made the friendship stronger
She looked me in the eye and said, “we cannot be friends…you are too much “
I held onto that for too long… but now I say
Well….I AM ENOUGH!
As in you are not my problem
As in I am not yours
As in the hooks you sent to save me actually pierced my heart so I built a wall and decided to be its own guard
Nor is your battle mine to fight because by being my own guard I realised that I am very much capable of saving myself
Nor does it make me weak for choosing myself because honey tapping out doesn’t make you any less of a champion …it just means I refuse to leave broken
I AM ENOUGH
I looked for every excuse to hold onto you but didn’t realise that the chain holding us together was leaving marks
That my skin still battered from empty promises and unhealed scars, scars that you were never sorry for
I AM ENOUGH
I tell myself after another invite fails to show at my door
I AM ENOUGH
After my body grows tired to make sure you get rest
I AM ENOUGH
After every letter written, every night worrying, every day piecing myself together, every afternoon listening
I AM ENOUGH
After I was told that I would not make it
I AM ENOUGH
After my body was seen as something of disgust
To that girl, you long skirt was a symbol of the scars that you hid …telling yourself that you are ok!
That smile will come again with hopes that no pain lies behind it …little girl the ideas that flow through your head is not a dream but a soon to be reality you carry the answers in your hand just let go and grab onto something that resembles the light
Little girl, your smile is used to awaken the joy in other people going through the same things
Little girl, I am sorry …that your spirit had to be broken down so that the pieces that came from it was used to fix someone else
Little girl…you are enough, you are your own hero, your own shoulder to cry on, your own pillar of strength because FROM NOW ON! THE SUN WILL RISE AND SET BECAUSE OF YOU
YOU ARE NOT JUST ENOUGH!
YOU ARE WAY MORE!!!
I AM ENOUGH!
BUT WAS NEVER ENOUGH FOR YOU!
It was 2011, walking into a new world of my life …High school bright eyed, long skirt waving at her knees, the world was her oyster…at least that is what they told her …she smiled the kind of smile that puts the hum in a humming birds heart …she did not realise that humming birds do not last long in the wild …you see, this is the story of a hopeful girl turned cold turned strong…
The girl grabbed her by the hand and introduced her to a world that she would get to know all to wall
She smiled, after she asked me to carry her bag to class thinking that this one favour would place her in the good graces of those who ran this kingdom we call life
she understood when her invitation didn’t show up at my door after serving them so well as if the ground was not far enough to sink down too, when everything around her told her to work harder, to pull their pants up…to take it , “ we were just joking” she cried at home wondering how she can stop being the clown…she changed that day
She was me
She never knew how much I carried until carrying was the only thing I seemed to do
Never knew how much I cried till I used my smile to hide it
I didn’t want to be myself, because myself was a disappointment to everyone…myself? Was not the status quo! Myself? Was the girl in the library, the girl with bushy hair and round glasses the girl the girl who well, who was not good enough…who was never anyone’s first option …who was not her own first option…
You see …I made your pain more important than mine … a characteristic that I carried with me ….another thing I carried …as if each of the tears that fell from you filled my cup until there was no longer space for mine…
As if holding onto to your pain made the friendship stronger
She looked me in the eye and said, “we cannot be friends…you are too much “
I held onto that for too long… but now I say
Well….I AM ENOUGH!
As in you are not my problem
As in I am not yours
As in the hooks you sent to save me actually pierced my heart so I built a wall and decided to be its own guard
Nor is your battle mine to fight because by being my own guard I realised that I am very much capable of saving myself
Nor does it make me weak for choosing myself because honey tapping out doesn’t make you any less of a champion …it just means I refuse to leave broken
I AM ENOUGH
I looked for every excuse to hold onto you but didn’t realise that the chain holding us together was leaving marks
That my skin still battered from empty promises and unhealed scars, scars that you were never sorry for
I AM ENOUGH
I tell myself after another invite fails to show at my door
I AM ENOUGH
After my body grows tired to make sure you get rest
I AM ENOUGH
After every letter written, every night worrying, every day piecing myself together, every afternoon listening
I AM ENOUGH
After I was told that I would not make it
I AM ENOUGH
After my body was seen as something of disgust
To that girl, you long skirt was a symbol of the scars that you hid …telling yourself that you are ok!
That smile will come again with hopes that no pain lies behind it …little girl the ideas that flow through your head is not a dream but a soon to be reality you carry the answers in your hand just let go and grab onto something that resembles the light
Little girl, your smile is used to awaken the joy in other people going through the same things
Little girl, I am sorry …that your spirit had to be broken down so that the pieces that came from it was used to fix someone else
Little girl…you are enough, you are your own hero, your own shoulder to cry on, your own pillar of strength because FROM NOW ON! THE SUN WILL RISE AND SET BECAUSE OF YOU
YOU ARE NOT JUST ENOUGH!
YOU ARE WAY MORE!!!
