explode.
for 12 year old me, that first kiss made my heart explode
when he cheated on me at 13 I wanted to grab everything he gave me and throw it in the fire
I wanted to stand there and watch every love letter burn and inhale the smoke
the thought of it brought a sensation to my belly
it made me feel like my sanity has broken to pieces
he broke my heart to pieces
for 13 year old me, it felt like he reached into my heart and crumbled it in his fist
my heart gets a little sore whenever I see him
because he took a part of me when we parted ways
he took my happiness and ran with it
he holds my 13 year old joy like an innocent girl holding a delicate flower
he stood in sunshine while I stood in rain
he had sunny California days in the 7th grade while mine were gloomy with melancholy and pain
i wish my middle school days didn't go this way
sloppy with pizza breath kisses and arguments with his hateful racial slang
I wish I ran away the first time I had the chance
but at 14 years old my bad memories of him seemed to fade away
like ash it went up to disappear
I took him back and I gave him everything
that a 14 year old girl could give
in 8th grade I should've focused on schoolwork but the thoughts of him was all thought surrounded my brain
freshman year, February
15 year old me had enough of it
I looked back at the bad times from 13 and kept repeating it in my head like a broken toy
i looked at him and i freshman year and saw no joy
he threw so much negativity at me and made so much noise
it made his anger feel electric
its like he was the socket and i was his plug
but then water drowned us and we can't fit
electric
no more of it
now it's toxin.