Never knew why I could not express my emotions;
could never show anger or excitement
unless I was really stimulated or wired.
I knew the emotions were running inside
as much as I really tried to project them
I just could not show them
people thought
I had something to hide
or just plain inconsiderate
if you knew me you would know
its the complete opposite
just not true about me
whether I sound unenthusiastic or visually somewhere
in a different state of mind:
I do care
and interested in what you are saying
there is something out there
trying to confuse the way I want to say things
or distracting me
wanted more than anything to show how I feel
to people so they couldn't accuse me of being false
or just a lifeless a robot;
i'ts frustrating
not everyone will always gets me
my tone of voice can fall flat
feel dead and lifeless
never changing my ****** expressions
its like having an constant botox
injection sealed to your mouth and eyes

Being autistic can be hard sometimes
not being able to control your
hand and body movements
it does this automatically for you.
Light and sound in a room
can really affect me too
everything is way too intense
sending me visually
out of focus, can't always
focus for long on other people
too without feeling nervous and uneasy  
I feel I'm not always in control
of what comes out my mouth
and feel like something is constantly
sabotaging my thoughts
everything is distorted jumbled and
sometimes comes out backwards
occasionally repeating
things I've said a hour a go.
I can't even always control my volume
of my voice its either too quiet
or becomes far too loud.

I kept thinking I really must be broken
Why can't I switch off
wish my brain would shut up
all I do is annoy
everyone in the room.

However I realise as frustrating living with autism
can be I'm not in fact completely broken
it does have its quirks
I found i'm very self absorbed
with time so always punctual.
Really creative and intelligent
especially with topics of my choice
I hyper focus I love to research
love to write and read
i'm a problem solver and try to
be logical look at things in another way
but never accuse me of having
no emotion as that is not true
can't always be the way
people expect me to be.