Aug 2019
Most people would say I'm better
I was so sad and so angry at first
So now, i must be better
I'm always smiling
I don't hide my scars anymore, I must be so proud of my recovery
But this is so far from the truth
If anything I feel worse
I just hide it now
Even from myself
I ignore it
And distract myself
But it always comes back
You can't run away from these things cause they are a part of you
I dont want to burden anyone
I dont want to go back to another hospital
Seriously, I don't give a **** if you're throwing me back in a mental institution
I care that I won't be able to see my mom
She needs me
So I smile
I act like I'm better
I lie
I keep the tears in and pray to whoever is up there that they buy it and let me go
And they do
It became so ridiculously easy to pretend
Then there's therapy
I care about other people too much
I care about how everyone around me is feeling
The first weeks of therapy are okay
I'm honest, as honest as i can be
But then we start to bond
I start to care about their feelings
And all of a sudden my life's perfect again
They fixed me, right?
No, but i act like I'm okay to make them feel better
Of course on the inside nothing has changed
It's only gotten worse
At night i can feel it pestering inside me and i wanna cry , i just want to cry so bad
But i have no more tears
I'm numb
So i use my imagination
I think of places far away
Places where I'm happy
I know she'll notice all of this eventually
My mom
She'll notice and i will keep quiet
I don't want to hurt her feelings
My feelings? My feelings would hurt her
So i hide them
And i don't get better
You know, the sick thing is, I don't even think i want to get better
Because I'm scared of that too
This is all I've ever known
I don't remember being happy
I don't remember peace with myself
It's lonely
It's so ******* lonely
Because everyone else knows this completely different person
They don't even know me
I don't know how to deal with this anymore
I just want it to stop
I care about people so much, I dont want to hurt them, but when they meet the real me they will get hurt
I'm done.
I was so sad and so angry at first
So now, i must be better
I'm always smiling
I don't hide my scars anymore, I must be so proud of my recovery
But this is so far from the truth
If anything I feel worse
I just hide it now
Even from myself
I ignore it
And distract myself
But it always comes back
You can't run away from these things cause they are a part of you
I dont want to burden anyone
I dont want to go back to another hospital
Seriously, I don't give a **** if you're throwing me back in a mental institution
I care that I won't be able to see my mom
She needs me
So I smile
I act like I'm better
I lie
I keep the tears in and pray to whoever is up there that they buy it and let me go
And they do
It became so ridiculously easy to pretend
Then there's therapy
I care about other people too much
I care about how everyone around me is feeling
The first weeks of therapy are okay
I'm honest, as honest as i can be
But then we start to bond
I start to care about their feelings
And all of a sudden my life's perfect again
They fixed me, right?
No, but i act like I'm okay to make them feel better
Of course on the inside nothing has changed
It's only gotten worse
At night i can feel it pestering inside me and i wanna cry , i just want to cry so bad
But i have no more tears
I'm numb
So i use my imagination
I think of places far away
Places where I'm happy
I know she'll notice all of this eventually
My mom
She'll notice and i will keep quiet
I don't want to hurt her feelings
My feelings? My feelings would hurt her
So i hide them
And i don't get better
You know, the sick thing is, I don't even think i want to get better
Because I'm scared of that too
This is all I've ever known
I don't remember being happy
I don't remember peace with myself
It's lonely
It's so ******* lonely
Because everyone else knows this completely different person
They don't even know me
I don't know how to deal with this anymore
I just want it to stop
I care about people so much, I dont want to hurt them, but when they meet the real me they will get hurt
I'm done.
