dear elizabeth,

you’re hurting yourself. you’re hurting others. you’re lying to yourself. you’re lying to others. you’re keeping to yourself. you’re keeping from others. you’re being manipulated. you’re being manipulative. you hate yourself. you don’t hate others. you don’t love yourself. you love others. you don’t try hard enough for yourself. you try too hard for others. you want to leave. you want others to leave. you think you’re the worst. you think someone else is the worst. you know you’re dumb. you know everyone is smarter. you think everyone is against you. you think you’re against everyone. you think you’re going to die by your own actions. you think someone else is going to die because of you. you think you might die from suicide. you know someone will die from your own suicide and it won’t be you. you know you’re not alright. you know that they’re not alright. you think you ******* ****. you think they ******* ****. you want to try harder. you tell them they tried their hardest. you say you don’t understand what you did wrong. you know exactly what they did wrong. you want them to die. you think they want you to die. you want to die. you know you shouldn’t think that way. but what are you doing to stop those thoughts? what are you doing to make yourself better? what are you doing to help those around you? what are you doing to make things right between you and everyone else? what are you doing wrong? what are you forgetting to do? what do you think they’d do if you commit suicide? what do you know about what goes on behind closed doors? what are you keeping from others? what are you  doing to hurt yourself and why? what lies do you tell to yourself and others on a daily ******* basis? what things do you call others behind their back? what names do you call yourself when no one can hear? why? why do you do things like this? why do you keep lying? why do you hurt yourself? why do you want to commit suicide? why do you think they’d commit suicide too just because you did? why do you think they’re just as weak as you were in that one moment that changed your life? why do you think you have to be better? why do you think you’re doing that wrong? why are you doing that wrong? why do you do those things behind closed doors?

you’re ******* obvious, you *****. maybe try harder in the next life, the only reason you’d have one is for being so bad this life. redo it. it’s a never ending nightmare.

sincerely,
elizabeth matthias