It seems as though everything
is falling apart
and to pieces.
life is giving me reason after reason
after reason
why this should be my last season
here.
alive.

every day is a constant battle
of life and death
my mind trembles after each blow.
years have passed and the consequences
have turned my heart cold
but only to myself.
for some reason I cannot care what happens to me.
but honestly,
I feel like dying would set my soul free
because all it knows is torment.

but I mustn’t crack,
I cannot break.
Not for any other reason
than the fact
that if I falter
no one will understand.

No one will ever understand.
Pain isn’t just existence
when you day dream about death
and the ways one could inflict it on oneself.
The way I think
is sick.
horrid and morbid.
and yet I’m trying to change.
constantly looking for that light.
the one that I can never seem to grasp.
almost like it’s a figure of my imagination,
a mirage in the mind.

what awaits a darkened soul,
like mine?
will this life get better with time
or am I forced to suffer
until I’m nothing more than
slashed wrists
and a stomach full of pills
laying in my coffin bed?

I mean,
if I’m lucky to get one.