i just
charged my old phone
my first phone
i got when i was 18
the phone that i didn't have long
before my mother
cut off our account
after she'd left

and on that phone
are hundreds of old
messages
from family
friends
me
pictures
oh god
pictures
of the old room in my sisters house
pictures of the packed truck
that me and my sister
and my dad
were shoved into
a picture of the sheriff's car
outside the window
of my sister's room
the sheriff
that stole our
family
no...
i guess that was
mom.

there are
pictures of a scrape i got on my arm
while moving dad's filing cabinet
into a house we didn't belong in
an innocent picture
meant to remember
the day
but somehow
over a year and a half
it's become obscene
in my eyes
cuts on my arm
are remembered
for different reasons now.

pictures of the one happy day
before we were forced to leave;
the waterfall.
the day before we left
i slipped
and fell into
the rushing rage
of that waterfall
almost drowned
but held on
to the ledge
i wonder why
i lost control
of everything
so suddenly

so many texts
of advice
from my eldest sister
we had to be so careful
how we talked to mom
so she would keep calling
so we could try and figure out
where she was
the absolute
crushing
engulfing
horror
of those summer days
slam into me
like a wrecking ball
today....

god...
will i ever
get over
the pain