Jul 2019
A cold day where everything withered away into emptiness is something that I will always remember. It was too early for the little children to be up. It was scary to know that death was so present in my life. As I rush to call an ambulance, tears roll completely down my face. I never thought I would have to do what I was doing. Watching my mother lay there unable to breathe was the scariest part of my life. She was what shaped me into the person I am. Now I had to watch her dying before my eyes and without knowing what to do.
The squad drew close to the big blue place that I was supposed to call home. It never felt like I belonged there. I wasn’t meant to feel happy there. I realized the house was meant for torture and death. They found mom and she couldn’t walk. Her oxygen had almost completely left her body. The smoking was killing her so slowly. They had her on a stretcher, and I couldn’t stop crying. She didn’t look like my mother. She looked ready to die and not strong enough anymore. She gave up hope that day.
The squad left with all the blinding red lights. The red is all I remember. It’s as if it represented blood. It showed me that she could die any second. That it could be my last chance to see her and say goodbye. The sirens slowly disappeared as I sat out on the porch crying. It was still early and I knew I should sleep, but the dreams kept waking me. I felt so numb and I didn’t want to move. I didn’t want to eat or even breathe. My life was ****** out of me within a second. I couldn’t believe it had happened this way.
It was still a school day, and I had to be strong. I couldn’t cry in front of all those people. I had to hide from everyone, so I did. I threw on my orange hoodie and a fake smile. I had to convince everyone that I was fine. My mind drifted so much that day. I truly wasn’t myself after that day. I got lost in my thoughts so much. I pushed my best friend away. I wasn’t okay. I was so broken and no one could help. I wanted to get away, but I had to be the brave one. I had to stay locked away, but I wanted to run away.
That day haunts my dreams. I seem fine, but that’s just the outside. My story goes deeper. I needed to be saved from myself. I didn’t know what to say. That led to some tough topics. I never thought I would be the one to think of suicide, but that day started to control me. People everywhere controlled me. I was so lost in the thoughts of all the things that happened to me that I couldn’t be saved. I was so far away from any hope, that I just wanted to be dead. I just had to hold on for everyone else.
I was there for people because I would never be here for myself. Stories lie deeper than the cover and no one truly knows. They used to say nothing was wrong with me because I was always smiling, but that wasn’t true. I was killing myself on the inside. I am there, but not there at the same exact time. That’s why when I say “ I understand,” I really do. I wouldn’t lie about this yet people think I do. At times, I wish they wouldn’t judge books by the covers.
The squad drew close to the big blue place that I was supposed to call home. It never felt like I belonged there. I wasn’t meant to feel happy there. I realized the house was meant for torture and death. They found mom and she couldn’t walk. Her oxygen had almost completely left her body. The smoking was killing her so slowly. They had her on a stretcher, and I couldn’t stop crying. She didn’t look like my mother. She looked ready to die and not strong enough anymore. She gave up hope that day.
The squad left with all the blinding red lights. The red is all I remember. It’s as if it represented blood. It showed me that she could die any second. That it could be my last chance to see her and say goodbye. The sirens slowly disappeared as I sat out on the porch crying. It was still early and I knew I should sleep, but the dreams kept waking me. I felt so numb and I didn’t want to move. I didn’t want to eat or even breathe. My life was ****** out of me within a second. I couldn’t believe it had happened this way.
It was still a school day, and I had to be strong. I couldn’t cry in front of all those people. I had to hide from everyone, so I did. I threw on my orange hoodie and a fake smile. I had to convince everyone that I was fine. My mind drifted so much that day. I truly wasn’t myself after that day. I got lost in my thoughts so much. I pushed my best friend away. I wasn’t okay. I was so broken and no one could help. I wanted to get away, but I had to be the brave one. I had to stay locked away, but I wanted to run away.
That day haunts my dreams. I seem fine, but that’s just the outside. My story goes deeper. I needed to be saved from myself. I didn’t know what to say. That led to some tough topics. I never thought I would be the one to think of suicide, but that day started to control me. People everywhere controlled me. I was so lost in the thoughts of all the things that happened to me that I couldn’t be saved. I was so far away from any hope, that I just wanted to be dead. I just had to hold on for everyone else.
I was there for people because I would never be here for myself. Stories lie deeper than the cover and no one truly knows. They used to say nothing was wrong with me because I was always smiling, but that wasn’t true. I was killing myself on the inside. I am there, but not there at the same exact time. That’s why when I say “ I understand,” I really do. I wouldn’t lie about this yet people think I do. At times, I wish they wouldn’t judge books by the covers.
