I was hoping I could forget you
Because it was the easiest thing to do
As i became busy with school and work
Met new people and forged better relationships
Met Mr Right but no he turned out to be A mix of Jekle and Hyde
It hurt but I grew from it
Burned old memories and continued on
Hopeful of better things and fully motivated to do kick ****
Except I really didnt
I was busy for sure but you invaded my thoughts
I got to thinking
You made mistakes and so did I
I pushed you away because i thought I deserved a whole lot better
Except I was blind to see that you had almost all the qualities i had been secretly looking for in a man
The rest would have been mended with patience guidance and a blind eye
Except I couldnt wait any longer even though we had spend 4 years together already
I nagged critisized, praised some but usually lost my patience with you
Some days were great
Just the two us, great food, music that would be soon be forgetten, and questionable weather
Until that just didnt do it anymore
I seriously began to question your ambitions and the future
You always said you were unsure of what to do
You were great at other things though
Cooking and tidying up was second nature
Your pictures always captured what the rest of the world couldnt see
Your writting could make the crankiest man feel something
You were always there to help me with work and assignments
In short helping me achieve my goals
You never short on encouragement and motivation
I miss it now
You stayed up all night with me whenever I felt rejected by world
Always went out of the way to make me feel special when i felt ugly
Loved when I felt worthless
Calm when i felt like tearing things apart
I miss it now
You never stopped sending me little tokens of care and appreciation when my body could not keep up with what life threw at me
Made me feel better when I withdrew into myself and couldnt leave the bed
Made my life easier in about 50 different ways
Thats when I knew you really felt something for me
But i was afraid to call it love
I wish i could I have appreciated all of that just a little more
I realize now that I was usually in the red
You constantly put up with my ugly side
The continuous nagging, and critism in all that I did
You bared it
The cripping self doubt i had about myself
You bared it
The draining negativity that would sometimes fly from my lips
You bared it
All that that couldnt have been easy to deal with
But you did not complain very much being only a few years older then me and far away from your own family
You were always so quiet around me but never completely lost your cool
I dont remember you screaming or raising a hand
I am sorry for all the times I physically pushed you away
I wanted to be alone and sometimes I just didnt know how to say no
I am sorry that I was demanding, at times needly and plain disrespectful through speech
My anger was alway red hot but you found a way to turn it off with a chuckle, joke or distraction
The tv helped
But I never thanked you enough for it
Didn't show you enough gratitude because I was always busy
Busy planning, conquering, and then finally loosing
It all came crashing down
I am sorry for that
You cried but I didn't feel much until it was all over
I was always looking for much better, only to end up with barely enough
I don't know where you are right now and its ok that you stopped keeping contact with me
Most people wouldn't want to speak to a terrible woman
You were the first to realize it
I wish I had seen it in time
I have change a lot since that day
But I would not be lying if I said now that I sometimes wish he was you