No matter how much you know someone, you will never know the them that they know. You will never know what their anxiety feels like, you will never know what love they feel. You can never understand things the way they understand things. You only get what your own self creates of the experiences you go through with that person. You begin to form this identity for that person. You begin to feel like you know that person in and out. You feel so strongly. You feel so confident. But what do you do when they present a quality that you dont know? A quality you dont know how to deal with? Do you still know them? Is it someone else? Is the person you know just burried behind what you see now? Or has the person changed? Can people change? Who knows. Only they know themselves. But how can you love, or trust, or get to know, or be content with knowing that person, and the image you have of them, without feeling insecure about it all the time? How do you prevent fall outs, or a change in your chemistry together? How do you fix it if things do become imbalanced? What makes people finally say, "Now is the time." Why is it easier to hide yourself from the ones you love, than to just let it all out? To tell people you aren't okay? Why do we have our own dark spaces in our own minds when we are supposed to be creatures of light and energy? If we are supposed to be open and forthcoming, and love everything around us, why can we create so much resentment and hate and close off every connection possible? The mind is a mysterious place. It is so astounding that through all these years, one of the biggest puzzles, is our own minds. We dont even know ourselves enough to heal our pains. To enjoy our highs. To open ourselves to anything. I struggle with understanding myself. Understanding why I feel the things i feel sometimes. The things i think of in others. Why cant I be a master of my own brain? My own thoughts and feelings? Am I just a voice in the head of this shell we call humans? Am I hear for the ride, or am I the pilot? Do I control the stupid things this body does? Do I control how this body feels things? Why does it feel like im in control, but then other times I dont. Why can I control it sometimes and things go great. But other its like my voice walks away and my shell goes on autopilot? Why does my voice run away and not show up for a while? What am I doing wrong? Why does life just feel like something I have to go through in order to get to the end of something? It feels so pointless, with no signs to feel otherwise. I know what love feels like. I know I love her. I love our kids. I love our time together. But what about myself? I know myself so well. Or atleast I think I do. But for some reason, loving myself doesnt have a good or bad feeling to it. Its almost like I dont feel it at all. But why does that matter? Isnt loving others what matters?