sunday and i mark the day inadequate. good things are coming up next week. anxiety is coming up right now. and all i can think of is myself. my suffering. my shaking hands so cold to match my feet. the dealer of the drugs i was too hooked on to take once more and never again. the 3/4 bottle of ***** under my jeans in my dresser drawer that has been there for months. the friends who i have spent four days with and now i am convinced they hate me because i am finally alone and can hear my thoughts because they are not drowned out by meaningless conversation. the calories in the chips i am forcing myself to eat because i cant go back to starving even though now seems a perfect time to pick up the habit once again. the three year old puffy scars on my thighs that i want to reopen. the boy down the road who understood the unsaid exchange of using each other for our bodies and it never filled the right hole. the friend who is dead and i don’t want to do that to everyone all over again it hasn’t even been a month since she kicked it. the fact that the world doesn’t revolve around me i don’t need to be so jealous so entitled so demanding. the father who never loved me before but now he really never will along with the rest of the family he can manipulate. the fact that good things will happen next week and i need to keep going to see them.