sometimes i'll go way back
in the lost annals of facebook
way back to the strange days
right after mom left
and i'll look at all the posts
the few people who knew what happened
posted on her
wall
all "i love you"s
and "please call me"s

please...
trust me
you didn't actually want her to call you
panic attacks aren't fun
they aren't a joke
when you're sitting in the room
in your sisters house
that you've been thrown into
on the floor
gasping for breath
clutching at air
raggedly
you'll wish
you never talked to her
on the phone
please
don't even

and then sometimes when i'm
brave
i'll scroll
and scroll
and scroll
until i get to the days
when we were all together
and everything was
ok.
i'll read all the things i said to my mom
...isn't that funny?
i used to say things to her...
all the nonsense things
wishing her
a happy birthday
talking about
baking her cake
and it all makes me remember
that father's day
in june
right before she left
in a chinese restaurant
how awful it was
how thoughtless the gifts
that mom picked out
and it will make me think
of my older, married sister's face
when she heard
mom was gone
how she came over to our house
where me, dad,
and another older sister sat
empty vessels
filling up with pain
that we still couldn't shake
two years later
i'll remember her saying to me
that she couldn't believe mom would just leave
we'd all been together for father's day
just the week or two before
had she been planning it
even then?
yes.
she had.
she had been planning to leave us
for months
i just wonder
how she could let me love her
when she knew she was leaving
how could she do that to me
how...
how.