Behind the smiles
are wilted goodbyes
things that never saw the light.
Whatever couldn't escape
is trapped within me
and my dark mysterious lagoons.

500 slashes mark the light skin
black lips smile in a friendly way
I say hello to you, old friends.

I thought I left these woods,
I'd cleaned myself up
brushed the dirt off
and rose from the muddy grounds.
But then again, maybe not.

I ran as fast as I could
and made it pretty far
so I thought I was out completely,
though I guess I was terribly wrong.

I thought I'd seen the sun rise finally today,
but it was nothing but it's light passing through all these trees.
One day if I try hard enough I'll be rewarded with a full view.

In reality it really was just the daytime, for a while
though I missed it after years of roaming the night restlessly
then falling asleep much too early.

The long awaited sunset arrived soon after I fought with myself to try living,
and it was the most marvelous, beautiful thing.
Until once again I relapsed,
I gave up,
and fell all the way down to the darkest hole.

Trudging along in horror filled swamplands
possibly worse than it was before,
with each and every shadow an old fear returning in me,
witnessing every sound, each movement
I'm frozen
caught with the markings on my wrist after it all
because I thought the blood would've took it away.
Since the red coming from inside slipping down and resting smeared among the color of my skin calmed me temporarily,
and the tears that came with it felt healthy,
I was reminded of a sunrise I'd once witnessed days long ago passed.
Will I ever learn that if i let it,
the happiness could last?
Maybe that'll be the time I stop looking forward,
moving backwards,
to another 'mistaken' relapse.