I should have made the first move.
I was, and still am, a very hesitant person.
I wait until something or someone does something
I react, I don't act.
I live life, like a chess game, where I am losing
doing everything I can to keep my king safe.
There isn't an opponent. I see that now.
I have sat and watched life as a spectator for too long,
letting things come and go.

I didn't make the first move.
I was never going too.
I was too afraid,
of being rejected, of making things weird, hurting you or me,
But I was also afraid that things would go the way I wanted.
I had no idea what was going on, or what to do.

I did love you.
that's the reason I didn't make the first move.
I was truly afraid of what would happen between me and you.

In that car, way later than anyone should be awake,
after you rescued me from home.
It was so cold,
you were falling asleep on me in the backseat of your car.

You asked if I was going to kiss you.
I was.
But I didn't.
much later, you said you were going to kiss me then.
But you didn't.

That next morning, when we laid on the floor of your room,
I knew that I should have done something.
Anything to tell you how I felt.
But you were sad. You said you trusted me.
trusted me because I didn't want anything else.
I didn't say anything.

You were leaving for two weeks.
You came to my room just before you were going to leave.
It was just a hasty hug and a quick goodbye,
your ride was already here.
The second the door closed, reality sank in.
I wanted to run out after you, and tell you how I really felt.
I didn't
I didn't want to embarrass you in front of your friends.

I thought about you constantly when you were gone,
I kept checking my phone to see if you texted or called me.
My heart raced when you did.
I was going to wait until you got back to tell you everything.
I was going to make the first move.
for the first time in my life I was going to act, instead of react.

Then someone else made the first move.
and I have been reacting ever since.