I want to be tiny

Tinier than my bones will let me
But still, I've tried

And even after knowing this
Try again sometimes in anxious times

When I'm having trouble finding happiness within me
I think maybe, a little less of me will make me happy

So I skip the meals, feel the butterflies when I see that number go down

Then look in the mirror maybe a week later and notice
I miss certain parts of me being fuller

Find myself even less attractive without them being that way than I did feeling "too chubby"

I've come to the conclusion that my body is not the problem

It's my brain

It will always find something wrong

Though I came to this conclusion years ago, it has taken me this long to refuse to give it what it wants

And just give my body what it's begging for

I refuse to ever use starving myself as a shortcut to "happiness" ever again.