I made mistakes
I gave some people venereal disease
I acted with ****** impropriety
I ****** the girlfriend of my best friend because she had fallen out of love with him
Multiple times
And I didn't even do a good job of it
To the point where she went back to him
Because at least the *** was good.
I wasted my time here on Earth
I played video games
Past the point where I enjoyed them
I smoked ****
Past the point where my mental health started to crumble,
I took drugs and went to parties
Past the point where even I thought it made me cool
I made dear friendships
Which I allowed to fall by the wayside
I procrastinated
Instead of doing the things that I needed to do
I drank alcohol
As a matter or course
I worked jobs
Where I hated every second I was there
Every second I cursed my bad luck
Like I didn't apply for the job, pass the interview and voluntarily clocked in 5 times a week for years.
And I was too cowardly quit until I wasn't .
I sacrificed my life and my health
For those rotten *******
And still I will dream about particularly unpleasant callers;
I will have pretend arguments in my head in which I'm somehow not utterly spineless
My soul still wears the O2 customer services lanyard and the call centre headset.
And maybe it always will.
I smoked cigarette after cigarette
Whilst encouraging my friends to quit
I have taken pill after pill after pill,
All in secret of course
Opioids, benzos, amphetamines,
Codeine, oxys, ******, tramadol, ritalin
Just to knit together the tattered fabric of my sanity
So that it will hold firm till the end of the day
Praying that if I lie to enough people
I can some trick my body into forgetting to keep the score;
I moved to a distant country
Where I could better exploit the white privilege
That I was too inept to exploit in my home country
to exploit women who wouldn't look twice in my direction back home,
Who must secretly resent me
For playing through life on easy mode and still getting a pretty pathetic score.
I loathed myself
I have cheated on women I loved
Because I thought getting new ***** makes a person cool
And masks the insecure void inside me where a personality should be.
I made racist jokes, sexist jokes
Knowingly upholding principles
Which I'd long since rationally rejected
To get a few cheap laughs
I sat on my bed
And wasted whole days hooking my brain the dopamine machine and letting the books on my shelf grow dusty.