Just 12, I looked up to you;
I expected you to show me right from wrong,
And I expected you to look after me.
To teach me how to fend for myself,
Because one day no one else would.
Instead you did the opposite.
You violated me, humiliated me, Scarred me
and made me afraid in my own home.
Your touch sent my body trembling
My skin crawling
Trying to get away but too petrified to move.
I felt disgusted
Not only with what you did
But for what I didn’t do.
I was ashamed
that I was too much of a coward
to stop you, or to try to.
I was ashamed
that I was to much of a coward
To take it to court,
But I couldn’t look at you.
I didn’t want to be in the same room as you
Because Just feeling your eyes on me
I felt stripped and vulnerable.
*****, bc i can still feel your hands all over me.
And I felt stupid- sitting there in the tub
Aching to feel pure again.
And for the first time in my life
I was scared to touch my own body,
Terrified to touch the same areas you touched;
But you touched every part of me that morning.
After finally getting the nerve to clean myself
I didn’t want to stop.
Yet no matter how hard I scrubbed
I couldn’t scrub away the feeling of your filthy fingers against my terrified trembling skin.
I pray that the things you did
Are engraved in your memory.
Because you knew what you were doing
And I did nothing wrong.
The things I know you’re capable of Haunt me.
I want that and the recollections of that morning to effect you in unimaginable ways.
I’m hoping it’s effecting you now
and I want it to affect you the rest of your life.
I want it to always be in the back of your head
And because I was too much of a coward
to face you in court,
I hope just the thought of what you did
to your little sister is enough punishment.
For me- that would be justice
And for that I forgive you
You don’t deserve it
But I do