When I was sat in my hospital bed I thought things were going to go back to the way they were.
I felt like I'd been given a chance to escape from this cruel reality, and I had messed it up. Like I mess everything up.

But the minute I left those hospital doors, things started to change. My mum was desperate to make me happy. And cafe trips and random presents were the result of that. My brother hugged me for the first time since we were little and had to have those soppy family photos that I laugh at now because of how staged they were. He even asked me if I was okay. And he didn't try to start pointless arguments. He just agreed with me.

Everyone was walking on eggshells around me. But I felt cared for. And loved. And not alone with my thoughts. After all the sharing I'd had to do, it still felt like I was at war with my mind, but I had an army of family and friends with me to fight it. Even when I caved in, they'd keep fighting on my behalf. But I refused to cave in because everyone was looking at me like their leader, expecting me to get us to the end of this war. And I didn't want to let them down. Not again.

In the months that followed I started getting used to the small gestures of encouragement from people that didn't really know what to say to me. I got used to spending time with my family and not just with the four walls of my bedroom. I got used to being watched. And I got used to not hating it.

But after a while it died down, like I expected it to. But I didn't expect it to be such a shock.

When for so long I'd felt like I had no one to turn to, suddenly everyone was there. And everyone was lovely. And I was reminded of the reasons why this war was worth all the casualties. Because victory would bring a future of love and friendship.

But when people got used to me being around again, and the idea that I might not have been around faded, people started to back away. Started to mask their love behind petty arguments and stopped being around as much. The four walls of my bedroom became my only company on some days again. And it came as a surprise to me when people did seem to care.

Such open hostility was a shock after months of people tip-toeing around me.

And it really shows that people take their loved ones for granted. They get used to having them around. Used to seeing them everyday. Used to not seeing them but knowing they're there. And that's why it's so easy for depression to creep in. Everyone is so occupied with their own wars, that they dont have time to stick around with you in yours, and they don't notice when you're losing.