May 2019
Its march 20th 5:30 in the morning
And i wake up to the sound of my overbearing self-deprecation
Ringing through the front of my frontal lobe
They grow louder and louder as i begin to look down at a body
I wish didn't belong to me
Soon but not soon enough i'll pry away my eyes and try not to cry
Over the size of my chest or my voice that’s two octaves too high
I’ll blink back the tears out of fear that somehow someone would see
I’ll simply shut my eyes tight and hope that I’ll vanish from the worlds sight
It’s march 20th 6:00 in the morning and my school alarm finally sounds
Under that blaring beat i begin to hear a voice softly speaking
Its careful cadence reminds me to remember my binder
The voice begins to grow louder and louder every second
It’s sound set on letting me know why i need to know what i can’t show,
Can’t say, and can’t
So I’ll suffer while I squeeze into the single thing sure
To ensure that all my efforts will mean something at end of the day
The voice quieting as I struggle to breathe deeply
Its march 20th 6:30 in the morning and my 2nd alarm starts ringing
I’m exhausted and the secondary alarms in my brain are bringing me
Boxes of commentary carefully sorted under the names of each insecurity
As i toss myself toward my phone to turn off my phone's alarm
I want to scream at the sounds of shouts in my head
I know deep in my heart that I soon have to part with the comfort of my bed,
Deal with the alarms in my head, and go
Even though all I want is to stay surrounded by the soft safety of this comforter
I get up to get dressed and as i look into my closet
Full of things I may not want to wear but I have to
my thoughts race to remind me that that plain black tee
I wore three days last week needs to be washed and even if
I was still clean people can see the curve of my chest and the rest I don’t want to be seen
So i’ll reach for that black button up and another thought reminds me
That the pattern doesn’t quite distract the eye enough to not need
A jacket today
i turn to check the time and feelings of fear fill my brain
And see it reads 5 minutes to 7 o'clock and i havent started the walk to the bus stop
In a rush ill grab that huge hoodie i know is two sizes too big
And yank it on in hopes that hides every part I wish to shed
Since they’re what sets off those daily alarms in my head
Then i’ll rush to the bus and hope the day will disarm my dysphoria
So the bells in my head stop sounding and shouting
Throughout the depths of my mind
And i wake up to the sound of my overbearing self-deprecation
Ringing through the front of my frontal lobe
They grow louder and louder as i begin to look down at a body
I wish didn't belong to me
Soon but not soon enough i'll pry away my eyes and try not to cry
Over the size of my chest or my voice that’s two octaves too high
I’ll blink back the tears out of fear that somehow someone would see
I’ll simply shut my eyes tight and hope that I’ll vanish from the worlds sight
It’s march 20th 6:00 in the morning and my school alarm finally sounds
Under that blaring beat i begin to hear a voice softly speaking
Its careful cadence reminds me to remember my binder
The voice begins to grow louder and louder every second
It’s sound set on letting me know why i need to know what i can’t show,
Can’t say, and can’t
So I’ll suffer while I squeeze into the single thing sure
To ensure that all my efforts will mean something at end of the day
The voice quieting as I struggle to breathe deeply
Its march 20th 6:30 in the morning and my 2nd alarm starts ringing
I’m exhausted and the secondary alarms in my brain are bringing me
Boxes of commentary carefully sorted under the names of each insecurity
As i toss myself toward my phone to turn off my phone's alarm
I want to scream at the sounds of shouts in my head
I know deep in my heart that I soon have to part with the comfort of my bed,
Deal with the alarms in my head, and go
Even though all I want is to stay surrounded by the soft safety of this comforter
I get up to get dressed and as i look into my closet
Full of things I may not want to wear but I have to
my thoughts race to remind me that that plain black tee
I wore three days last week needs to be washed and even if
I was still clean people can see the curve of my chest and the rest I don’t want to be seen
So i’ll reach for that black button up and another thought reminds me
That the pattern doesn’t quite distract the eye enough to not need
A jacket today
i turn to check the time and feelings of fear fill my brain
And see it reads 5 minutes to 7 o'clock and i havent started the walk to the bus stop
In a rush ill grab that huge hoodie i know is two sizes too big
And yank it on in hopes that hides every part I wish to shed
Since they’re what sets off those daily alarms in my head
Then i’ll rush to the bus and hope the day will disarm my dysphoria
So the bells in my head stop sounding and shouting
Throughout the depths of my mind
