i didn't cut myself today
are you proud?
are you going to pat me on the back
and say,
"good job"?
are you going to smirk and say
"i told you that you could control it."
are you going to eye my wrist
and heave a huge sigh of relief
and treat me very carefully?
are you going to give me a reward i don't want?
i didn't starve myself today
are you going to thank me profusely
and give me yummy foods to eat in front of you?
are you going to hug me and say
"darling, you look so healthy!"
i didn't hurt myself today
my body is healing
and you are pleased
you treat me so delicately
or so nonchalantly
as if everything i do
is either a huge accomplishment
or nothing at all
but
that's not what i need right now.
i need to say
"i didn't cut myself today"
and i need you to look at me
and kiss me
and tell me
that even if i had
you would still be here
kissing me