Okay,
so...
it appears we've reached a place where we are no longer careful with one another,
and in reaching that place, you can no longer hear me.
Which is fine and good and well
and I am definitely lying right now.
I doubt you will ever read this,
but even if you did, I don't think it would rattle your universe enough to stir you awake
or break the spell that another has cast upon you.
I am sending telegrams to a ghost,
I am shouting to the void,
I am hoping with everything I am that you are in the right headspace to receive this.
I sincerely do not care if I seem like a hopelessly nostalgic fool;
I would rather embarrass myself for the final, hundredth time than silently move forward, lugging along the weight of these words
without you knowing exactly
where I stand and how I feel--
even if you no longer care,
even though I know I am undoubtedly the only one who still does.
Am I to deprive myself of expressing what I feel for you as well?
Our perception of time, space, and the metaphysical world are entirely different,
but I know you understand the same unspoken language
and
I know there is a part of you
that can still hear me...
so with that said,
once more,
here is my truth,
here goes the last of what I've got:
I remember being 19 with you.
I remember growing fond of sleeping beside you in bed and finding it difficult to sleep without you.
I remember the feeling of waking up and seeing the cool blue and warm orange of the tapestry on your ceiling.
I remember taking in the first few seconds of the morning and smiling to myself, feeling luckier than I ever had to share such an intimate space with you; I saw it as a privilege.
I remember the nyquil you took
and you sleepily mumbling how comfortable you were while I massaged your head and ran my fingers through your hair.
I remember you saying, "Rachel, I love--," abruptly stopping
and continuing with, "I love how comfortable you are," as you nestled into me, as I held you.
I remember being so simply content with how quickly things fell together,
how in my mind, being in one another's presence just made sense.
I remember you telling me how nervous of a guy you were
and after a few days, how I made you feel funny, cute, and smart.
I remember you telling me
how no one had ever before made you feel as though everything you had to say was important.
I remember the first night we hung out and telling you after a few hours, "I like hanging out with you,"
and the smile in your voice when you said, "I like hanging out with you too," as you followed me to the bandshell.
I didn't have to see it to feel it.
I remember sharing stories about ourselves and knowing the other was actually listening, how when you played your song for me I could feel you speak between each note, how for Halloween one year you made the most of your condition and went as Harvey Dent.
I know that night I seemed as though
I wasn't actually listening,
but I promise,
I was.
I remember the first night I spent on your couch
and the messages you were sending me from your bedroom;
how happy you were,
how happy I was.
I remember 4 years ago like it was last week.
I remember looking at you from across the distance as we laid at the foot of your bed
your hand on my cheek and fingers in my hair.
I remember your eyes the clearest.
I remember our first kiss
and how it took two failed attempts of being within a breath of the other to close the gap between us.
I remember kissing your forehead, both of your eyes, your nose...
and you kissing my forehead, both of my eyes, my nose...
and finally, finally colliding.
I remember the explosions of color and feeling like we were exactly where we should have been, like there wasn't a more important place that we could have possibly been.
I remember not caring to remember any other person I'd ever had feelings for once I found you.
I didn't try to forget, I just did.
An entire lifetime took place in your room and the memories of it are spinning and collapsing all around me.
I remember comparing you to God and learning how wrong I was.
I remember receiving a text message from you while you were tripping on shrooms after we broke things off, deciding to ignore it because I knew that mere interaction would have meant more to me than it did to you,
and how cute you looked when you later brought up not liking my ignoring you.
For the record, I hated every time I disregarded you.
Yes, at *****'s, too.
With every failed relationship, the remaining feelings that lingered were usually betrayal and scorn,
but with you, I never blamed you.
I never wished for you to find someone who caused your brain to split in two with confusion and regret.
I wanted you to find yourself, what your heart raced for,
and your way back into my bed.
I wanted to be selfish with you in the most selfless way possible.
I'm so ******* distraught these days from restabilizing the present while trying not to relive the past
but it's difficult to do so when you visit my dreams almost nightly.
I don't know how you view me,
I'm sure I'm a reminder of a past you don't care to remember,
but I want you to know that I see you
as the person you were and are,
the person I knew and no longer do.
I am saying all of this to let you know
that I never stopped loving you,
and because I do,
I am letting you go now.
If you are not the one,
I hope to one day feel for another what I feel for you,
and I hope for the other person to feel the exact same way.
During the years that followed our meeting and break-up, I racked my brain over and over again
trying to figure out the reason you entered and left my life as quickly and as quietly as you did,
but I think I know now.
I think you were a lesson learned,
that love can bloom in the least expected places,
that people don't come into your life accidentally,
but when their stay is complete, don't force an extension.
You've taught me more than you may realize.
You will always hold a piece of me that I cannot get back,
and I hope to someday meet someone who loves me wholly despite the incomplete parts.
I will fade into the background as a stranger
but will not and could never harbor contempt for you.
I will look back on your memory when I am old and gray and smile to myself the way I did when you were still beside me sleeping soundly.
I will remember your
words,
words,
words,
and hope you found a way to feel completely whole
on your journey.
I know you'll make it out just fine.