Back into the big city grind.

The air here, less balmy
The sun shined as I got off my airplane
As if beckoning me to surrender, stay.

I'm always a bit relieved to be gone
And a bit relieved to return.

Words that I could have lived without hearing
I paint them on the walls with the blood
Of my sisters
The blood from the bullet holes
I pretended to catch with my thin frame
As a little elven girl, even.

My cat sleeps quietly at the end of my bed
I did like I have often done
But I never hit send.

I typed a series of phrases
None of them carrying a weightlessness
And I think back to the girl
With the big long mane
And how she's defined herself through time
Space
And surrender.

I tried to blame my loneliness
Realizing now the futile meaning that has
But it's just different for you and me
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like
If I did just live a slightly
Simpler and more stable life.

I pack my bags and I'm often not here
A flurry of emails and projects call my name
I'm chasing dollars and always needing an extra hand
I wish I had it all figured out
And I'm not sure how to find success in this life.

I metamorphed for 8 months time
For a moment there
I thought I could stand the tragedy
And even found moments of bliss
But it was all covered in black veiled fabric.

There's not much to say now
But that it's always about that movement onward
Digesting, processing, healing
I lean into the silence
And try to let myself cry when I feel lost
Like an army comes after me for the places where I erred
And though a light showed up there for a moment
So much of it still feels unjust to me
As my scales twinkle
And struggle
To find balance.