"You're pretty."
"I love you."
"We should be friends."
Phrases I tend to cycle through every day.
Words that bring happiness and good feelings into others' lives.
Yet, I constantly get questioned why I'm nice to everyone.
Or told that I can't befriend everyone.
Reminded that people will hate me.
But you see, that's a fact I know all too well.
Behind this smiling face and welcoming exterior is a soul that is broken.
A person who has been picked on, kicked around, bullied
Made to feel so bad that tears streamed more constantly than water from a faucet.
Feeling like I would never be loved
Never have true friends
Never be pretty.
There was a period in my life where I had no one.
No best friend to tell my secrets to.
No circle where I felt I belonged.
Sitting alone at lunch.
One of the worst feelings in the world.
Watching everyone talk and laugh and smile.
And wondering why I can't have those experiences, too.
Eating too much to fill the empty void of time.
Gaining weight in an attempt to drown my sorrows in food.
Fast forward a few years.
Friendships have developed.
They enjoy my humor and fun spirit.
Yet no one noticed the hurt still burning inside me.
The fear of rejection.
The sadness of never understanding old inside jokes.
The worry that someday everything would go back to how it was.
And I would be left alone.
Again.
With no one to talk to or sit with.
So forgive me for being too kind, or too happy. Or spreading love. Or wanting to be friends with people.
Because I never want to experience that hollow feeling of loneliness again.