Scratching at the scars
Bleeding through my shirt
Boyfriend noticing.
Noticing I'm never "fine"
Noticing I'm hurting
Noticing I'm not normal
And I never was
And I never will be.

I always respond with
"Great. I'm doing great"
But in my head I wish to say
" hurting I'm just hurting inside."
But it just never comes out.
I can never admit I'm not doing "fine".

Why is the world cursing me??
Always making me work to be happy
For a minute.

After that minute passes
I am dropping down the hole
In my heart.
The one that used to be filled by
Happiness.

Happiness evaporated
Forever lurking
Just beyond reach
My fingers can never grasp it.
My fingers can never hold on
They always slip through
And the happiness leaves me
Like I never deserved it.