I thought I’d give her a chance
Let the night draw me in like a stencil
Forget him in purple light in a smoke trench
I thought I’d give it a chance
One night to live like him;
Among alcohol and blazed paper rolls
I gazed helplessly at the lighters
Entranced in hoping one of them would drop theirs
And light the floor on fire
I imagined that the fire would follow the alcohol worm spilt on the floor
Wiggling its way to my feet
And then I felt sick— and wished I didn’t eat
I wished I was skinless bone in that light
Or could be blown away like smoke
I wished I was the redness around their eyes
I wished I could disappear in the nighttime
That I brewed quietly like their breath
I wished I was the liquor in the bottle and the keg
Once I arrived it didn’t feel right
The men eyed me like prey
I said I’d give it a chance so I stayed
I made a witching hour out of dance music
With drugs and alcohol as my ritual
And I let dolls dance around me like voodoo
I let myself go for a moment in between
And gazed helplessly at my feet
And hoped her wood floors would open up and eat me
I imagined a hole in the ground the size of me
I imagined a ghost in the mirror who looked just like me
I imagined him drinking
Then she fell down the stairs
And they stared, her face gleaming in the light
Her smile made her an intoxicated angel
She looked like peace,
Lying on the floor
Hardly moving and spaced from it all
I looked at her and imagined if she were dead
Reminiscing over how closed her eyes were
And I was jealous of her
It was fucked the way they took pictures of her
Like she were nothing more than a sad, drunk mural
And I imagined I were dying in a room full of people
I imagined I were Hannah
And that I were the floor
And that I never wanted to be anything more
That I would let my body exist on its own
With no soul, and let mine dance along
In between fence wire
Then the police were there and I saw it
I saw me in the back of the car
In handcuffs, or covered in blood, or gone so far
I imagined them shooting me in the back
I imagined everything went black
And the basement were empty
I imagined I were the only one in the room
Like I was the only one in agony
And that the sirens would lead me to the balcony