Addiction to alcohol,
took its ugly toll.
Everything was
grey and black,
while sipping
pint after pint
dead of night,                                  
nothing would go right.

Waking up to morning migraines,
bruises on my swollen legs,  
pains in my chest;
shaky hands and sweats,
with no money left
except for a few penny's
memories of the night before a knew the score! some were good...some were very bad... but usually not that many I can remember.

Being the servent to devil's brew,
can lead to the darkest of avenues,
when you can no longer pay,
for the lifestyle,
you drink in the street,
sell yourself cheap,  
relationships are abusive,
opportunities are missed.  
You argue and alienate yourself
with the ones you love,
being the loner;
you feel no one cares
no one listens to you
no one is home.



My personal hygiene was the first to thing go,
my hair was greasy.  
over weight
I was constantly sweating  
got tooth decay                                 
ashamed to bare a grin
in case people mocked
and laugh at me.   

And mentally I felt drained;
nothing was ever worth the fight,
I felt nothing inside
wanted to go bed and hide.
Unable to turn off the mental abuse,
I couldn't write or think logic
threats, voices and paranoia  
consumed my head,
jump to conclusions
before anything was said.

To conquer a dangerous cycle of
emotional toxic drinking
is to start thinking smart,
To forgive not forget, 
Bare no grudges,                                                  
self awareness
meditation,                                        
write your triggers.

Drinking for me
was a way of socializing
with friends,
dealing with anxiety,
to help me forget the bad,
in the end all drinking did to me
if anything made me sad,
live my life in regret,   
live my life in shame,  
live my life in fear.
I didn't need alcohol to fit in
with friends in the end,
I lost interest in all my passions in life. Music, Dancing, poetry  and Open Mic.  Nothing I tried excited me no more; I felt numb.
I no longer able to write
or recite anything,
words and thoughts became jumbled
and abstract in my mind.  
I lost the way, I lost my identity
I lost my self respect,
pint after pint;
every day suffering from amnesia,
more confusion not knowing
who I am?  where I am?
I became angry and irritable
at even the slightest thing,
emotionally hurting people
that got in the way
only mission for the day
was to survive and                            
chase the next fix.

Was it really worth it in the end,
chasing that unachievable high
when in reality you felt like you were really going around in circles
over an cliff.  

I believe the hugest high in life fulfilling the ultimate purpose,
An real dream,
being the mother to my
beautiful daughter Sophie,
having people in my life that loves
and respects me and of course being able to communicate and write again.