Growing and Staying the Same
by @MariaLumbreras
A blessing to be present till this day
Thankful for the way I was raised
Having a roof to keep me safe
My stomach always full which was good
Being surrounded by love all day long
For days,weeks, months even years
Though I have been given everything
I’ve lost more than what I have been given
More of me has disappeared over the years
More than I have ever been able to built
Im scared full of fear
To be so young yet so grown up
Im not secure at work, home or even less my mind
I do not want to die alone
However I’ve already have more than a couple of times
I let the labels as a child define who I was and I accepted them even if it wasn’t me
I’ve been let to believe something in not
It’s hard to keep a reputation going
I hate having to make everyone happy
Although it’s the only thing that makes me feel now
Im so numb
I never know what wrong from right or vise versa
Am I selfish for feeling this way?
So empty without a face more like no identity
A lost soul, to the earth it doesn’t matter
What I am or become I’m only a small pile of dust
Who cares about me?
When all I ever done I’d give the worst of me
I might affect others and they may remember partially about me
But I’ve never actually been included in their lives because I could never cross the line that and I have set up for myself
I am with fear of letting myself actually discover my true identity
Im open minded so much that it amazes me
I’ve always been capable of taking a certain situation and looking at all the perspectives and outcomes but I’m so closed minded as well because I know I’m wise
I feel filthy
I’ve done things you wouldn’t expect me to do
To some though that’s normal
Im just a kid that has never fully let anyone into my own world
I’ve made mistakes over and over again
The kind that hurt only me
I look out for others before myself
And is it wrong that I just want to grow up now and worry only about myself?
Is it wrong to blame others for leaving me to believe I have to stay the same?
They won’t die with me
Im internally sad, never regretful yet the feelings there
Im overly happy but blocked by the dark emotions I carry with me from the past
Im grateful yet ungrateful
Ready to make moves but stuck on what to do
How can I explain to you that I am a lost soul waiting to be found
Many say I’m amazing and so mature but that’s just a part of me that I aromatically show off because I am still stuck on the same label and I can’t move from there
I leave my mark on your path but I push you away and leave it and never come back and never feel bad about it either
And I’m left alone again not an unusual thing to happen
It doesn’t damage me because I don’t dream on things I can’t have
It’s always been like this for some reason
if I do it’s nice but I push it aside
It’s fun letting everyone pay attention to you but it’s more fun when they staying after it
You leave so much effort into one person and you may not realize it but after a few times you tend to see that you’re left with nothing but somehow you still managed to give something
Thoughts that consume my mind
I can ignore but my heart can’t anymore
I believe it doesn’t realize it’s too concentrated on the bad that it’s not paying attention to do good
It makes me feel guilty when I beg my heart to feel the same way you do
I’m jealous you can still feel butterflies in your stomach and I can’t
It breaks me even more when you believe I’m not trying or when im not able to show my love to you
I’m a criminal for being emotional just to grab your attention because I love when you do
I’m crazy to believe that the only way to be loved is to be someone you look down upon to be comforted
I hate questions when I don’t want to say anything even if I do want to burst
Even with this trouble where I am the one that is giving the burden to you that I never got with past relationships when they said it
I ask the same thing they asked me before
Which I thought was silly because the answer was obvious but so deep in itself they would say, now I say,
how can you still be here and love me when I’m a complete mess? I did not want to be on the other side where they stood, but it’s too late
I’m already here