I used to cry myself to sleep
Used to lay there with endless scary dreams
Used to wonder why it happened
Had I done something wrong?

Now I laugh
I laugh at your name
I laugh at the idea of you having control
But I still hurt.

You know longer have a grip on my life
A hand on my shoulder leading me in every wrong direction
I no longer let you win
But still I’m angry

I grimace at a raised hand
Remembering how you hit me.
I shake at a loud voice
Remembering how you would cuss

I can’t wear turtlenecks or button my shirt to the top
Since they remind me of your hands caving in on my neck
I feel as though I’m choking just by the touch of the cloth
It enrages me to allow this but my mind doesn’t give me permission to ignore it.

I’m still hurt
However not by you
I refuse to let you hurt me anymore
Only by the painful memories my mind will not delete from it’s camera roll

I’m still angered
Not by your actions
But from allowing myself to trust someone like you
For going to your house, to laugh and talk

However, the only one talking was you
As you demanded me to do everything to please you
I would beg no and you would grip my neck until my face turned blue
Gasping for air I reluctantly did as I was told, what more could I do?

I don’t allow myself to trust anymore
I don’t let anyone get close
No matter how much I think I know them, do I really?
I don’t allow myself to feel, because that’s the scariest part

Going numb, like how I felt after you completely took advantage of me
Hiding every emotion because crying doesn’t solve anything
Blocking out all sense of feelings because if I don’t have them I can’t be hurt
Making sure I never look weak, like an easy target.

See you hurt me, but you aren’t hurting me
You broke me, but you aren’t breaking me
I’ll be okay
I’m fine

I don’t think I’ve ever told a bigger lie