I knew you before I knew myself.
Before I had truly become myself.
You were always there,
a mere thought in the back of my mind.
I never noticed how much I relied
on seeing your trusting eyes to keep me going,
I still think of you sometimes,
how I clung onto you like a lifeline.
How I never should have done that,
I wasn’t yours to fix
I'm no ones to fix but myself

I have to STOP relying so much
On the breathing of others to save me
I know now that's why you left
Its the only thing I can think of

I think I'm better now
Not completely
But more aware of who I was before
Less selfish maybe
Trying
Hoping
More scared though
Maybe freer
My words still get stuck in my throat
A locking door, deadbolted
But s o  m  e   t   i    m    e     s,
Sometimes I can pick the lock

Its never unlocked for long though

I miss you
I don’t know if I’ve ever missed anyone more
I miss you so much sometimes
I know I shouldn’t
But I thought I could have loved you
And I can’t let that go yet

I don’t hear your name anymore
Unless I’m the one to say it
It doesn’t hurt to say anymore
More of an empty ache
One day I know I won’t need to mention
Want to mention you
One day it won’t still hurt that you left me
Because you did
You left
Without explanation
Refusing to explain
Why didn’t you just tell me
I would have tried to be better

I am better
It took longer than it should of
But no one was telling me what I was doing wrong
Instead, people just left
Again
Why do people always leave

I don’t think I can handle someone else leaving
I need to be perfect
I want to be perfect
I’m not perfect
In any way
I’ll never be perfect

And that’s why people leave
And I just have to deal with it
I have to learn to read the minds of the ones I lost
The ones who left without even a goodbye

Is it because I’m too sad?
Someone said that to me once
That I was too sad
and that it was my fault that they left
That I made them leave
How did I make them leave?
All I wanted was them to stay
I wanted to better for them
Why didn’t they tell me I was wrong?

It's hard to fix your brain when you don’t know what's broken
When you can feel something wrong
but you can’t find the issue

The virus that poisons me
Reaching into my head
My heart
Blackening it
Filling it with hatred
I don’t want to hate
I want to love
And be loved
And I want people to STop leaving
But they never do
People never stop leaving

Some days I want to be left behind
Maybe if I fold into myself
If I leave people first
Then it won’t hurt as bad
But I don’t want to
I want to be happy
Not happy like
A pill that lasts only a few hours
I want my happiness to replaced my sadness
My sadness to replace my happiness let them switch out
Live each other's lives for a while

Maybe then I can learn to be myself
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