I've died from cancer
at least three times
Convincing myself that I was so sick
without a single diagnoses
based on half conscious google readings
symptom checkers,
and of course
the way I was really feeling.

I've actually mourned my own life,
planned it out,
dreamt about it in the midst of a nightmare
imagined what everyone would do without me-

I thought about how beautiful
a slow goodbye would be,
I've convinced myself I felt bad
on days that I had a chance to feel good
And now I live the in between
In hopes to rid myself of this torture.
.
this is my sickness-
believing that I can die more than once
and ruining my life over the fact that
we do
indeed
disappear
from
our
physical
bodies.