smile
breathe
laugh

hear his voice
try not to look in that direction
hear him talking with friends

he's laughing, joking, having fun
wonder why he can't be like that when I'm around
wishing I was over there

try not to think of him
fail
his name finds it's way into all my thoughts

wonder if he sees me?
wonder if he likes what I'm wearing?
wonder if he knows he's why I'm wearing it?

trying to get his attention
trying to make him come over
trying to make him speak

he walks in front of me
my heart spikes
he looks at me

I freeze
I'm a deer and his eyes are my headlights
intensely burning into me

and for a second
I truly think he's going to run me over
I look away regret shooting me like a hunter's bullet

wishing I'd spoken
wishing I'd smiled
wishing I'd done anything else

I look back
I take a deep breath
and swallow my heart

"wheres Matt?"
I ask forcing him to look
our eyes meet

his fill with fear
as if he'd rather die than speak to me
I snap in a different last name

looking away but not fast enough
still seeing relief flicker through him
I walk towards the one I named 'accidentally' knocking into him

I didn't look back
I heard his friend ask "whats with her?"
I cringe at his reply "why should I know?"

I dig my nails into my arm
I bite my lip
and fight every instinct to turn around

hoping he didn't see my anger
yet at the same time
hoping he did

wishing he'd just spoken to me
ending the act
we could be normal friends

no more complications
no more secrecy
no more excuses

I text him everyday asking if we can ever be normal friends
he replies we already are
I send a smiley face

In the end it's simple
he's a liar
and I'm a fool