I get it now
I'm sorry it took me so long
Maybe it was just my denial
A small suppressed hope
That even if for just a second
You cared for me
I always thought our feelings were just unequal
Yet I was so wrong
Because I loved you
And you never felt anything for me
nothing other than convenience
You were selfish
not like a man with the greed of money
But more of a child unwilling to share his toys
I'm just a toy to you
One you don't care about anymore
Yet one you're not willing to give up
I don't regret loving you
It was an experience
One I would not repeat
But necessary life experience
But that is why you don't understand
Why I still care if you get hurt
And why I took so long to understand why you were so willing to hurt me
Believing you hated me
And enjoyed causing me pain
Yet that was my own over thinking
In the end it was quite simple
I loved you and still want good things for you
You saw me as an object
you would rather see me broken
before seeing me happy without you
It's okay
You'll learn
Everyone can be happy
Jun 10, 2015
Jun 10, 2015 at 12:03 AM UTC
you became my friend
the kind i can talk to forever and not be bored
you became my boyfriend
and it was good...great...awesome...not great...bad...
so you became my ex-boyfriend (but we'd stay friends)
except that's just what people say... me trying to be your friend (which in your mind means me pursuing you)
so you become my ex-friend
now I wish I'd never met you
Alfred Lord Tennyson said "tis better have loved and lost than to never have loved at all"
Maybe it's because we only reached like
but I'd rather have never liked or known you
than have lost you as a friend
May 6, 2015
May 6, 2015 at 12:15 AM UTC
i don't want to
i don't really remember how
it's been so long
can't i just not
if i just stay behind my walls
where no one can hurt me
where he can't hurt me
where I'm safe
this is where I like to be
and if you really don't want to hurt me
than don't ask me to feel
because when I feel all I feel is pain
Nov 16, 2014
Nov 16, 2014 at 3:57 PM UTC
If I could tell you anything
I would tell you everything
I'd tell you I want you to be happy
but I'm trying to be happy myself
that I'm not avoiding you
just trying not to get hurt again
how I hate hearing how sweet and awesome you are
because I just want to tell them "I KNOW"
How I've known since we were twelve
when you bought me that snickers bar at the dance
I miss you than
when you let me know how you feel
and why you felt that way
now I can't even comprehend you
it's like your on another level
and you won't deign to give me a hand up
I miss it when you didn't hide your feelings
and make me feel awful for having any at all
I wish I could walk up to you
and tell you all these things
but you'd call me immature
and laugh at me
you'd say I'm being childish
tell me how I need to grow up
because I'm in love with who you use to be
and you're in love with who you could make me
but you'll never be him again
and I can never be her ever
But I'll always miss you
I wish you could just understand
Oct 30, 2014
Oct 30, 2014 at 1:22 AM UTC
As I step into place
Whether surrounded by others
Or just one other
I’m alone
As the gun shoots
I start
Like an out of body experience
My feet aren’t mine
I’m not even me
As I’m floating above this girl on auto pilot
And from above all seems clear
For one split second
Then I’m back
Moving
In the direction they tell me to run
At the speed they tell me is best
And yet I feel so free
And when I want to speed up
When I want to sprint ahead
Leave all else in the dust
It’s just a question of endurance
And honestly I feel like I can endure anything
Actually I feel like I have
Like I’ve endured everything
I know I haven’t there’s more pain to come
Speeding up just wears you out faster
But with that girl on my heels
I just can’t let her catch up
As she gets closer
I remember
All the things I want to forget
All the things I’m running against
And a surge of energy
Whips through me
Full of emotions
And exploding with power
The hatred for the boy with no heart
The sorrow for the friend who will never see me run
The anxiety I’m not ready for the future
The fear I’m not good enough
So as I run far from sight from the girl behind
As I pass the finish line
And want to fall from exhaustion
I feel happy
But what do I do
When I can’t keep running?
When I’m not fast enough?
When the girl catches up?
May 19, 2014
May 19, 2014 at 5:58 PM UTC
What does it take to make you go away?
It shouldn't be this hard
You’re just like every other ****
Except with an irritating persistence
Or are you just a sadist
Love watching my hope grow
Just to destroy it
Does this make you happy?
You call me a drama queen
When I try to run
You say I’m making a big deal
Out of nothing
But it’s something to me because I’m not like you
I can’t turn my heart off like you can
Or maybe you never felt anything in the first place
Who knows but I want out
Out of this awful arrangement
Where you stab me in the back
And all I’m supposed to do is stand there
And act like nothing happened
You say you care about me
You’re lying
And I’m letting you
Because I want it to be the truth
But it’s not and will never be
And I try and try
But I can’t turn my feelings off
At least not completely
Stop coming back around
Stop sneaking your way back in
Stop convincing me to trust you
Stop breaking my heart
Because I can’t be around you
And no matter how many times I tell you
You just work harder to get back
And I can’t keep letting you
May 14, 2014
May 14, 2014 at 1:05 PM UTC
What am I to do?
When I can't trust
the one I might love
but I don't love
because I can't
because he doesn't
but I might
and in all I just don't know
and I just want to understand
how he feels
how I feel
how anyone can feel!
when thinking makes feeling so complicated!!!
I can't keep up
my mental capacity is failing
and all I can do is wish
wish I could talk to him
for real about reality
about what is going on
is anything going on!?
wish I could trust him
forget the past
better yet not have a past
just erase it all
wish I could understand him
he says he cares
yet how can he care
when all he does is hurt me
Feb 24, 2014
Feb 24, 2014 at 9:53 AM UTC
you say you care
you act like I should trust you
everyone else does
everyone else loves you
why would anyone not
and I want to
I really do...
but I can't forget
and I just can't forgive
you watched me get torn apart
and yes I made some mistakes
maybe I should've kept my mouth shut
but I didn't and I'm sorry
but the way you sat by
letting them slowly **** me with words
lies that you watched them string together
and I even asked you for help
just to tell them the truth
and you outrightly denied me
and I know you apologized
but you apologized because you felt you had to
not because you understood
if you could just understand how awful it feels
to be alone
people torturing you with lies they know nothing about
and feeling like it's all your fault
and theres nothing you can do
because no one is in your corner
no one cared about me enough to even try and help
because you've never been hurt like that
and you just don't understand why it affects me so much
but thats why it affects me... because you don't
and how can I trust you when you say you care
how can you possibly care about me
when you've caused me so much pain
and I want to believe you've changed
but you just don't get it
and I know it makes sense
and maybe I should be over it
forgive and forget
but I can't
and until you understand why
I'm not sure I ever can
and it kills me
because I really want to trust you
but I just can't
Feb 8, 2014
Feb 8, 2014 at 9:51 PM UTC
I don't understand
and I'm trying but nothing ever seems clear
mainly I want to know Why?
why I care so much for those who don't seem to reciprocate
or not in the way I supposedly deserve
and my rose colored glasses
that seem permanently glued on
only hinder me in the process
when I only get glimpses of reality
it's a fog I'm living in
I know you're wrong
yet I still care for you and can't stop
and it's my fatal flaw
and I'm living my own tragic romance
for I can't seem to stop
caring no matter how deep the wound cuts
I never seem to get scars
I remember them but its so hard not to give second chances
than third...fourth...fifth..sixth
and who doesn't deserve a seventh chance
it's a lucky number right
and people grow and change
and it's always a new day
and my inability to enter the realm of reality
is slowly crippling me
how much more can my heart be stabbed
by the ones who've stabbed it time and time again
and it screams in agony for me to change my ways
but I just don't know how to
Jan 26, 2014
Jan 26, 2014 at 4:02 PM UTC
Mysterious and misleading
Hard to follow and impossible to trust
We build walls to protect them
Yet they still fall apart
and we wonder
why?
Dec 14, 2013
Dec 14, 2013 at 3:49 PM UTC