Last night I couldn’t let another body
Touch mine
Even though his was just as soft
His hands did not graze quickly over
They stayed put in places for seconds
Sometimes minutes at a time
Like I was the earth itself

My body is not meant to be touched
Or so, I tell myself
Letting walls down means being held
Being held means holding
I don’t want to hold him

I don’t want to hold anyone
I want to be alone
Alone is safe haven
Where depressing pigment is worn in confidence
I want to be alone with myself
Where I can win and lose in two,
No matter which of the halves are left on top

I don’t want him on top of me
On top of me means I am under
I have been underground for months at a time
Trapped by different permanents
Whether demon or person

I don’t want to be a person with feelings
Feelings mean being pried open,
Mean my nails have grown weak in my door crevice,
Mean the floorboards are ready to be lifted

You shouldn’t try to lift me from this
As if you could
As if you would

Last night I couldn’t think of another body
Touching mine
Even though they may be just as soft
Their hands graze quickly over
And find new homes to stay in by nightfall
For days, sometimes weeks at a time
The home inside me welcomes barely

My body was not meant to be touched
As long as I told myself
Cages are meant to be kept around me
Locked in means locking you out
Write poems about wanting to hold me

I didn’t want to hold anyone
Wanted nothing but to be alone
Alone is safe haven
Where depressing pigment is worn in confidence
Being alone with me is part of a muse
That replays how people break in two,
No matter whoever’s halves are left on top

You knew not to be on top of me
Not to ever let me be hurt from under
I have been underground for months at a time
Scarred by different permanents
Whether demon or person

I didn’t want to be a person with feelings
You were careful not to pry me open,
Undress drapes unhooked like shower curtains,
Upon wet stone floors begging me to slip

You wouldn’t ever let me slip
As if you could
As if you could