I learned not to long ago that in order to move forward I needed to let go of who I was.
I was no longer that person.
I felt disconnected in everything I did.


At one point I learned I quite literally had to learn how to ride a bike again, I blame equilibriums however.

No one knew the me I was , wasn't the me I knew.
I didn't know who I was . I felt like I was walking in someone else's skin. I grew in ways I never grew before.

I couldn't stand tall or smile with the confidence I once had done so often. I sunk low and wore this skin that didn't feel like mine. I tried to make daily routines but every day I found a new routine was made.
                                                                   kind of defeats the idea.hmm.
I wanted to be me again, but she was gone..?

The days passed and I knew it would be hard. I tried to stay brave as the new me to be.
The weeks were replaced with months and this skin didn't feel any closer to who I was at all. In fact I  hardly knew who I looked at in the mirror for many days.
My head was clouded with the new skins negative suggestions and copious amounts of hate to the soul it was trying to connect with.


I started to think maybe this is who I always was maybe who I was is indeed gone., or worse never was.


The months are now years and the person I wanted to be ? I dreamt I was? I hoped I could be,.. again, I felt incomplete constantly.

I don't know what happened to me but I wanted to find her again I wanted to shed this skin which made me feel like an awkward monster who pretended to know who she was.

I started small and read books and wrote in my journal(s), and I tried really hard to start writing self affirmations , which I never knew how much I hated who I was until then.

I really hate saying hate! Although I really hated who this person was. I wanted, nay needed to change.
Right then and there I just started. I made steps in the direction I think is what I want.


You know it is crazy how if you start doing things that you want and believe in. Life just happens. It falls into place.
Ideas come alive in your brain and your soul feels happy and they start to connect and learn to build on these new habits.


The days turned into Months, but this time I was okay with it.
I looked in the mirror and I realized I recognized this smiling face.
This confident body, no matter what size! My eyes felt shut this whole time , or maybe my ears were blocked and I was deaf to the reality that was I could of changed this skin whenever I wanted.
I have and always had the power to be whoever I wanted. I could of tried harder. I never meant to blame anyone else I just wanted to be in control of who I saw when I woke up each morning.


It is really freeing having this control.