I learned not to long ago that in order to move forward I needed to let go of who I was.
I was no longer that person.
I felt disconnected in everything I did.
At one point I learned I quite literally had to learn how to ride a bike again, I blame equilibriums however.
No one knew the me I was , wasn't the me I knew.
I didn't know who I was . I felt like I was walking in someone else's skin. I grew in ways I never grew before.
I couldn't stand tall or smile with the confidence I once had done so often. I sunk low and wore this skin that didn't feel like mine. I tried to make daily routines but every day I found a new routine was made.
kind of defeats the idea.hmm.
I wanted to be me again, but she was gone..?
The days passed and I knew it would be hard. I tried to stay brave as the new me to be.
The weeks were replaced with months and this skin didn't feel any closer to who I was at all. In fact I hardly knew who I looked at in the mirror for many days.
My head was clouded with the new skins negative suggestions and copious amounts of hate to the soul it was trying to connect with.
I started to think maybe this is who I always was maybe who I was is indeed gone., or worse never was.
The months are now years and the person I wanted to be ? I dreamt I was? I hoped I could be,.. again, I felt incomplete constantly.
I don't know what happened to me but I wanted to find her again I wanted to shed this skin which made me feel like an awkward monster who pretended to know who she was.
I started small and read books and wrote in my journal(s), and I tried really hard to start writing self affirmations , which I never knew how much I hated who I was until then.
I really hate saying hate! Although I really hated who this person was. I wanted, nay needed to change.
Right then and there I just started. I made steps in the direction I think is what I want.
You know it is crazy how if you start doing things that you want and believe in. Life just happens. It falls into place.
Ideas come alive in your brain and your soul feels happy and they start to connect and learn to build on these new habits.
The days turned into Months, but this time I was okay with it.
I looked in the mirror and I realized I recognized this smiling face.
This confident body, no matter what size! My eyes felt shut this whole time , or maybe my ears were blocked and I was deaf to the reality that was I could of changed this skin whenever I wanted.
I have and always had the power to be whoever I wanted. I could of tried harder. I never meant to blame anyone else I just wanted to be in control of who I saw when I woke up each morning.
It is really freeing having this control.
this may make no sense to you; but to me this is a lot.
Dreams of standing tall all alone seems so unrealistic while awake.
Nightmares of who I am are all too real even when my eyes open.
What makes a dream so unrealistic. What is the difference between the day and the night that I fight with when the lights go out.
What makes a nightmare so haunting and real. Where does the nightmare end and reality begin?
To me the nightmare never ends.
I pinch myself awake but I'm already here.
So many of my loved ones are here but only in my dreams are they with me.
when I wake , I am still all alone.
Can't I shake this never ending nightmare ?
I wish to be the girl I see in my dreams , who is strong and proud of who she is and where she is at no matter what burdens and struggles she is currently possessing . She holds her head high because she loves the person she is and has worked to become and doesn't need to depend on anyone .
So each morning I wake up putting on this mask of the girl from my dreams in attempts to be that person that I want to be and that I know everyone wishes I could be.
I wish I could feel safe in my own skin and loved without my mask.
But the dream ended a while ago and all I see now is nightmares and a long tunnel with no end
So tired. My fingers graze the keyboard .
But I don't even feel it.
Leaning against a wall, I wonder am I supporting the wall;
or is the wall supporting me?
I keep stepping , working my way through the day.
Walking away and away, but my problems do not fade.
I cannot escape the biggest problem I face.
Me vs. Me
"you dont know
how to let go
who said this must be all or nothing
still caught below"
three hundred thirty three.
three hours and thirty three minutes.
three leaves and thirty three trees.
three hearts and only one thief.
here it comes again.
like a record spinning on a needle.
around and around we go.
except this song and dance goes a little different.
with each song the record spins faster and faster.
the title's are all the same and the melodies all blend together.
it plays day after day without skipping a beat.
each note hits harder and harder.
and the pauses feel even lonelier and quieter with each passing second.
reaching to pull the needle away and I keep grasping,
but I can never seem to stop it.
let the record play.
a dance , of chance.
don't look back, don't fall, don't slack.
chin up, head high, just look to the sky.
back straight, don't lean, this isn't about fate.
mind over heart, left foot , then right, this is only the start.
fear is only right, your heart is in the right place, but don't lose sight.
gain control, access your strength, regain your soul.
“You can never be wise and be in love at the same time.”
― Bob Dylan
i have always been out to prove you wrong Bob.