I’m learning how to be loved

I had a dog once
A big brown mutt
squiggly wiggly throw your weight around steal off the table brute
He had no manners
knocked over children like bowling pins
and yet
that day he found me crying
he laid his head on my lap and
was still

when they put him down
I left the room

I’m still learning how to be loved

We cook a dozen eggs
He buys me the right kind of milk
We don’t know what to do with each other
but buy eggs and buy milk
drink coffee and sing television theme songs
I can't look at him when I leave
But I do


I tear the paper along the tape
She’s watching me like a hawk
before I see them
She starts
It’s okay if you don’t like them. Do you like them? It’s okay
if you don’t.
I tell my mom I like them I love them I'll wear them all the time
I do
But she notices when I forget them on the table

I am still learning how to be loved

I call all the time
Every time it’s dark
Every time I google search my symptoms
Every time I feel a dead end
I call knowing he won't answer
I call just to leave a voicemail
One day his voicemail is full
I’m still learning how to be loved