Jan 2019
I wake up to a wet, tear stained pillow. Dried salty tears stain my face. I feel it from the tips of my toes to the top of my head. It's trapped inside my body, unable to escape, and I've just opened my eyes.
I turn off my alarm and get out of bed. Not because I want to, but because I have to. Once I open my door the fake smile automatically goes on my face. It's brutal, but I have to seem strong for my family.
I let the dog out, make my childs lunch, and try my best to listen to what she is saying to me. I wish my thoughts would turn off for just a little while, just until she goes to school. I owe her my attention, she didn't ask for a mom like this.
Once alone the fake smile goes away, the tears start to fall again. The thoughts envelope me, but I try, I really do try to be strong. I try to think positive thoughts, I try to think about good memories, but it's pointless... the darkness is too strong.
Nobody knows... unless I tell them, which I don't. Nobody sees it unless I allow them to see it, which I don't. My best friend that I could talk to about anything is gone. So why have others suffer at my expense. I'm not worth that.
Depression is not often talked about, but everyone at one point or another will go through it. Luckily for most, it don't last very long, there is a light at the end of their tunnel. For the remaining few, there is no light.
My day is a mixture of unsettling moments. I'm so tired, but afraid to close my eyes. The darkness is deafening. What I wouldn't give for just a glimpse of light at the end of my tunnel.
It's almost 3:30. Time to wash my face and put on my fake smile, I'm dying inside. My child comes home full of stories to tell me and again I try to turn off the thoughts running constantly through my head so I can hear her.
She goes outside to play, and before the door is closed the darkness comes again. It engulfs me. So many thoughts running through my mind. One I know I can't do, but always constantly there. It may be my only escape.... I just can't, not yet.
It's suppertime, but I don't eat. Food is the last thing on my mind. Next is homework. She don't usually need my help, so I just do all I can to keep the darkness away and keep that fake face on. Sometimes it works, most times it don't... and a trip to the bathroom I must take.
It's now bedtime for her. I tuck her in bed, give her a big hug and a kiss and tell her how much I love her. Her smile and her telling me that she loves me to the moon and back puts a genuine happy smile on my face.... briefly. I leave her room and the darkness takes a hold of me again.
I don't know what's worse, the darkness while I'm awake or the darkness just before I fall asleep. Both are terrifying. I tell my son I love him, he replies "I love you too mom". He sees my suffering at times. It's not fair to him.
Off to bed I go. I take a sleeping pill to hurry the process... it don't usually work. I lie in bed, tears streaming down my face onto my pillow, please fall asleep, please fall asleep.
In my dreams I am happy. I am with the love of my life, my kids, my dad and sisters, nieces and nephews... and sometimes my mom shows up. She's warm and pain free, and she is so happy to see us all.
But before too long I hear my alarm clock go off again. Another day. Tear stained pillow, tear stained cheeks. What do the darkness have in store for me today, or is today the day I am finally free. Only time will tell.
I turn off my alarm and get out of bed. Not because I want to, but because I have to. Once I open my door the fake smile automatically goes on my face. It's brutal, but I have to seem strong for my family.
I let the dog out, make my childs lunch, and try my best to listen to what she is saying to me. I wish my thoughts would turn off for just a little while, just until she goes to school. I owe her my attention, she didn't ask for a mom like this.
Once alone the fake smile goes away, the tears start to fall again. The thoughts envelope me, but I try, I really do try to be strong. I try to think positive thoughts, I try to think about good memories, but it's pointless... the darkness is too strong.
Nobody knows... unless I tell them, which I don't. Nobody sees it unless I allow them to see it, which I don't. My best friend that I could talk to about anything is gone. So why have others suffer at my expense. I'm not worth that.
Depression is not often talked about, but everyone at one point or another will go through it. Luckily for most, it don't last very long, there is a light at the end of their tunnel. For the remaining few, there is no light.
My day is a mixture of unsettling moments. I'm so tired, but afraid to close my eyes. The darkness is deafening. What I wouldn't give for just a glimpse of light at the end of my tunnel.
It's almost 3:30. Time to wash my face and put on my fake smile, I'm dying inside. My child comes home full of stories to tell me and again I try to turn off the thoughts running constantly through my head so I can hear her.
She goes outside to play, and before the door is closed the darkness comes again. It engulfs me. So many thoughts running through my mind. One I know I can't do, but always constantly there. It may be my only escape.... I just can't, not yet.
It's suppertime, but I don't eat. Food is the last thing on my mind. Next is homework. She don't usually need my help, so I just do all I can to keep the darkness away and keep that fake face on. Sometimes it works, most times it don't... and a trip to the bathroom I must take.
It's now bedtime for her. I tuck her in bed, give her a big hug and a kiss and tell her how much I love her. Her smile and her telling me that she loves me to the moon and back puts a genuine happy smile on my face.... briefly. I leave her room and the darkness takes a hold of me again.
I don't know what's worse, the darkness while I'm awake or the darkness just before I fall asleep. Both are terrifying. I tell my son I love him, he replies "I love you too mom". He sees my suffering at times. It's not fair to him.
Off to bed I go. I take a sleeping pill to hurry the process... it don't usually work. I lie in bed, tears streaming down my face onto my pillow, please fall asleep, please fall asleep.
In my dreams I am happy. I am with the love of my life, my kids, my dad and sisters, nieces and nephews... and sometimes my mom shows up. She's warm and pain free, and she is so happy to see us all.
But before too long I hear my alarm clock go off again. Another day. Tear stained pillow, tear stained cheeks. What do the darkness have in store for me today, or is today the day I am finally free. Only time will tell.
