Arise and shine
The sun is up i have to wake
The earliest bird catches the worn
I'm early but worn
I fail to even raise my arm
I have to beat time
Maybe attend class,
Do some work
Or make an appearance in the offices
But I'm still in bed struggling with sense,
I'm safe
But this feeling is getting intense
It's like I'm in an impending danger
Whilst in my bed...
Today i just don't feel like facing the world
They'll think I'm mad
Still contemplating on waking, up
Time flies
Thirty minutes are already up
I get my first panic attack
Just because I've not made up my mind
If today I'll be walking around.
Struggling out of bed
I rush to bathe
Stripped to my feet
I Immerse myself in water
As thoughts in my mind litter
I wish i could drown in a lake
I wish i never had to pretend
I wish i was not fake
I am a counterfeit of myself
I'm like kreatcher, the worn out elf
A blurred reflection of my better self
So many cloths thrown on my bed
I fail to decide on which one to take
They all seem weird yet i bought them myself
Forty five minutes out
I'm still not sure what I'll put on
I'm hit with a second panic attack
Time is running out
And I'm still stagnant
In my head i do a quick chat
Trying to rush myself, to quickly leave the house
Putting on what at least feels right
Within minutes,
I'm out of my comfort zone into the daylight
As i walk I'm filled with fright
My mind controlling my pulse
I'm not sure if I'm walking right
I start slowing down
In front of me there's a group of guys
I can't surpass them
I'm not sure what they'll say
So i lag behind knowing with this pace
I'm going to be late
Luckily i reach my destination
But I'm alone
There was some miscommunication
No one is around, i wasted my time
I start panicking, I'm sweating
I did not plan for this
I need a place to sit
I need to chill and restart
I get a place, looking confused
I take out my phone
Pretending to be busy
When I'm actually confronting myself to try and act normal
Finally making up my mind
I decide to go back to my house
Using the quickest shortcuts
I'm back in no time
Today wasn't that bad
I had minimal interaction
A win on my side
At least i did not embarrass myself
The irony my life has led to
A life I'm always resentful of
A life based on my anxious self
A life controlled by anxiety

Akwana Wa Odera
@therealakwana
© 2018