Jan 2019
A letter to nobody,
I wish that i could explain to you just how much it hurts to grieve a loss as great as this. but until you know the loss of your father, mother, best friend, confidant, cheerleader, partner in crime you don't know what it feels like to have it all gone.
It's missing every single thing that was. And missing every single thing that will never be. It's about missing the things you never wanted. Like a second child you weren't sure you even wanted, but now all you can feel is that fact that they will never know him. He will have never meet them, and there will be a world where you child wont know their grandfather.
It's drowning in waves of loss throughout the day while keeping a straight face. It's continuing the conversation, continuing my work without faltering, but drowning in waves of memories, and losses all at once. Every day a struggle to try and remember that you have to keep going, you have to keep fighting.
But every day you go to call him, only to remember that never again will you call that number and hear his voice on the other line. That number isn't the number you can call anymore for the good and the bad, and hear "What now" as an answer on the other line. That number isn't in my phone anymore. Adjusting my life to try and figure out if i will ever have a number in my phone that i can call for all of those things.
You don't know a loss that leaves your world destroyed. When you have to adjust to a life where you feel as though you have to start over. Start over as a human and learn to live in a world, where the only person who ever made you feel safe, loved, and completely worthwhile is now gone.
So here i am. Wondering if i am worthwhile. If everything he ever said was true, or if they were just the word of a proud father. At the end of the day i'm still here. Struggling through a world where you aren't. A place where you don't exist anymore except in a box in my living room. And a world where i cry every day, trying to keep my head above water.
So, to whoever i wrote this for. That is what it is like to know grief. That's part of what it is like to lose your person. And even still, it doesn't even come close to the black hole it causes, the loss. I hope you never know what that grief is.
I wish that i could explain to you just how much it hurts to grieve a loss as great as this. but until you know the loss of your father, mother, best friend, confidant, cheerleader, partner in crime you don't know what it feels like to have it all gone.
It's missing every single thing that was. And missing every single thing that will never be. It's about missing the things you never wanted. Like a second child you weren't sure you even wanted, but now all you can feel is that fact that they will never know him. He will have never meet them, and there will be a world where you child wont know their grandfather.
It's drowning in waves of loss throughout the day while keeping a straight face. It's continuing the conversation, continuing my work without faltering, but drowning in waves of memories, and losses all at once. Every day a struggle to try and remember that you have to keep going, you have to keep fighting.
But every day you go to call him, only to remember that never again will you call that number and hear his voice on the other line. That number isn't the number you can call anymore for the good and the bad, and hear "What now" as an answer on the other line. That number isn't in my phone anymore. Adjusting my life to try and figure out if i will ever have a number in my phone that i can call for all of those things.
You don't know a loss that leaves your world destroyed. When you have to adjust to a life where you feel as though you have to start over. Start over as a human and learn to live in a world, where the only person who ever made you feel safe, loved, and completely worthwhile is now gone.
So here i am. Wondering if i am worthwhile. If everything he ever said was true, or if they were just the word of a proud father. At the end of the day i'm still here. Struggling through a world where you aren't. A place where you don't exist anymore except in a box in my living room. And a world where i cry every day, trying to keep my head above water.
So, to whoever i wrote this for. That is what it is like to know grief. That's part of what it is like to lose your person. And even still, it doesn't even come close to the black hole it causes, the loss. I hope you never know what that grief is.
