Sensing a sixth

so I went back to the place where it happened

where I had believed.

I'd started over.

A new beginning starting with the end.

I want to laugh

but I need to cry.

Honestly....

I couldn't tell you how I'm still here. How I'm still alive.

I lost everything I never had.

searching

wanting something

I cant explain why

I wanted nothing so bad

Chasing death

but he ran from me.

Good things come to those who wait. In my experience bad things do to.

It seems different now.

I can feel it.

Aurora of everything that surrounds me has been colored over.

Even the leaves the wind blows are ending up in the wrong place.

They don't belong there

Just like i feel I don't belong here

it isn't right

and in a way it isn't't wrong

Falling asleep

I'm walking in a memory.

Sitting in the company of my loneliness.

Wondering if my words are still there.

I know I wrote but most of that night is a blur.

I do remember the paragraphs left on the back bedroom walls.

The holes in the ceiling from the chair

after it shatterd the mirror on the vanity.

The crack in the bathtub from stomping every piece of electronics that had value.

Turning on the water ruining everything.

They were never around.

They didn't deserve anything.

Standing here in a coma-like trance.

Painted paragraphs on the walls
Bic pen around the window above the sink in the kitchen.

One is the reasons the other apologies.

Walked out the door that night That morning woke up next to a gas station out in the middle of nowhere

Now I stand here reading the suicide notes that bled through.

These messages I left for myself

I didn't expect to come back

This scythe tickling my neck tells me I'm right

Probably the worst day of my life

The closest I've ever came to death besides tonight.

Staring at these walls

warm light sets on my shoulders

A black haze creeps at my feet

I can see the shadows on either side waiting for a decision.

it's a game to them who gets me

Still I don't turn around

continue to stare at these walls

looking between the beginning and what could be the end

what did I miss.

Had i at all.

Knowing they see my thoughts

I ask them nothing

eacth pulled me in a different direction making my choices justifiable.

I was never good enough to be good

never bad enough for the bad

feel like I've died a thousand times

I've given enough

so much I ended up slipping through the cracks.

left in that small space

.life is easy

you two made it difficult

I don't want to see your faces

Do not want to remember them

you do not deserve to see mine.

my decision is this empty space

this little place in purgatory

this is my home