i know i’m a ******* crazy house
filled with trick mirrors and jagged edges
i know i plant land mines
within my walls
shrapnel in waiting
for the next unsuspecting soul
trying to set foot within my world
i know i have built a labyrinth
throughout my whole body
a place where only
the keeper of my boxes dares to enter

i know i hide myself away
trap everything i love about myself
inside boxes locked within boxes
locked within more and more boxes
six-sided steel cages
mimicking russian nesting dolls
everything precious to me broken down
to its basest form
stacked away in opposite corners
because pieces of who and what i love
shouldn’t make me bleed

but they do

this room hidden deep inside my rib cage
comes wrapped screaming in caution tape
just as i do
nobody seems to heed my warnings
i know what i am
i know i will make you bleed

i can’t breathe trapped inside my mind
every breath i draw suffocates me a little more
i am dying in this life
nobody sees my slow death by circumstance

nobody sees how i am bleeding
i stand in pristine snow and wonder
how it remains crystalline
crimson should surround the place where i stand
my footsteps should be stained in red

there is an athame shoved deep beneath my sternum
it’s sharp blade slowly whittles away
pieces of what is left of my heart
the pain is so consuming
it doubles me over when i am least expecting it
brings me to my knees in surrender
i am bleeding out inside
dying a slow death
caused by loss of everything that i have loved
nobody sees

i am surrounded by those
who are suppose to love me best
i know they do
but they don’t know me
nobody does
shared dna doesn’t mean ****
when i know how to play the game best
masks and words are my weapons
i have hidden myself away far too well
i have only myself to blame

i wonder how i am still standing
people tell me all about the strength they think i carry within
commend me on my perseverance
i want to punch them in the face
tear their ******* tongues from their lying mouths
i am a conundrum walking among the mundane

nobody knows what i am
nobody knows what i am capable of
i am bigger than any natural disaster
i am more terrifying than any chupacabra
i will eat you alive
snack on ventricles for sport
and walk away laughing
wiping your blood from my lips
nobody knows

i have become my own worst enemy
i hurt the ones i love most because i love them so much
my love for them kills me
leaves them suffering
me consumed with guilt
i want to scream my truths from a rooftop
want to disperse the burden of being me
onto the unsuspecting
release my burdens of guilt
relieve the suffering
yet i remain silent
carry this consuming pain within my small frame
alone
always ******* alone
nobody knows