What have I done?
I remember the first time.
The first time i used pain,
To hey through the day.

What have i done?
11 years
Of ****** stains on the insides,
Of every pair of pants.

7 years without it.
Managing my life without pain.
And in one moment
In one decision.

I'm back where I started
Leaning on my pain
Thriving in my pain.
Cleaning blood stains out of pants.
And sheets.

Building upon my already
Abundant scars
Adding to the layers
Of broken
Adding to my broken

And I can feel my control slip.
And I remember why it was so hard to quit.
The first time.
Because this,
This is my addiction.
A persistent punishment
That I hate,,
And love all within moments of each other.

What have I done?