Nov 2018
I was finally home. The smell of warm sheets right out of the dryer cuddled my body. I ran out of tears. I looked in the mirror at the black stream flowing from my eyes. I could feel the dampness of my warm skin as I placed my hand upon my heated cheek. I shouldn’t have to worry about a thing right now. I was ready to sleep under the glow in the dark stars where my life centered beneath at this time of sorrow. Ready to dream away from my misery. My chest clutched and hurt from the pain. “I don’t know why I cut myself. G-d give me a sign or help. I won’t cry, it’ll be fine. I’ll take my last breathe, push it out my chest until there’s nothing left." So much hatred and emotion. I grab the side of the bed, pulling up fast, and the movement strains my pain to a point where, briefly, I’m breath taken—gasping, wincing, grimacing, crying out, reacts however-the-heck I decide. Exactly, my eyes go down briefly and I may or may not break a sweat from the pain—then gripping on it, sets my jaw, pulls myself together as it subsides, and sits there glaring ferociously at my unexpected company. My cat sits beside my thoughts. I don’t want to deal with it anymore. My eyes were slightly open and I drained my very last drops of tears. I can just relax now. I turned towards the rising moon and it was then I could see my eyes glisten in the reflections as I fought to be strong. 10:00 at night the darkness filled my room. I snuggled under my covers until the blanket reached my cold nose. I stared blankly at the glow in the dark stars on my ceiling as my eyes were sore and red. They eventually shut and my body numbed out.
It was around two in the morning when I woke up to a terrifying dark room of despair. A cool shudder trickles down my spine. Glancing around nervously, I see somber portraits staring at my pale face from behind layers of dust, seemingly penetrating right through me. Cold, hesitant light streams in through a cracked window, casting eerie shadows on the walls. I was wide awake but my body couldn’t move. I couldn’t even speak. I tried to push out a breath and remain in being. I tried so hard to move, just a muscle. But they would tense up harder each time I tried to move. I couldn't protect myself or scream. I was paralyzed.
The chasm between me and the clock echoed wave-like ticking bombs. I tried to force myself to get up. Several times of aggravating, it suddenly happened. In the split of a second, the air ****** the breath right out of me and I fell on the floor. I didn’t feel a thing. I felt weightless. Kind of like, a ghost. I stood up with my mind. Effortless. I didn’t know what was happening. I was awake and aware of my dark surroundings and everything that was going on around me. I felt my eyes widen over my head while I watched myself sleep. Especially when I was sleeping with open eyes. I got close to my body and slightly put my hand over my face. I got closer and closer to my body. Almost touching it, I zone out into a scary phase. Suddenly, I get ****** back into my body. I saw my room contract back and forth. I was back into my body and I still couldn’t move or speak. I tried again and broke a sweat. This time I flew out of my room and fell in the hallway. I got up slowly and peeked into my mother’s room. I saw her breathing into her pillow. I was amazed and scared in what I was doing. How far can I go? It felt so real and so unreal at the same time. I started walking into my living room then headed down the stairs. It was suddenly bright outside, like I started dreaming again. My mother, father, and brother was having a scrumptious dinner with me. My dog and cat snuggled on my leg. My dog’s tail waved quickly side to side and my cats face rubbed in my ankle. The sun made everyone’s smile shine. There was a lot of happiness and laughter. The scene went over very quickly. My heart started to cry of happiness and joy. Then suddenly I felt a tremble. I flew backwards to the trail I was in. Retracing every footstep I had in 3 seconds. I got ****** back into my body one last time. That’s when I awakened and gasped for air in extreme exhaustion. The lines in my face showed the hurt on my mind, suffering the night as though it were happening again. Looking in the mirror, my face looked slim, with an almost ghostly pallor. The life in my eyes had faded every second since, the dark circles beneath them showing my obvious lack of sleep. My body as a whole had lost itself, hunched over, retracted, and lost its life. The stringiness of my hair made my exhaustion stand out. My clothes were wrinkled, eyes lackluster, and the lines around my mouth had vanished from the absence of a smile for so long a time.
I started to move and I looked around. I started saying random things to speak again. I was in my body again. I sat up in my bed and rubbed my arms. My muscles were weak, tingling, and tired. I plotted back onto my bed. I was afraid to go back to sleep. It was 2:30 in the middle of the night. I sat in my bed thinking to myself. To think about what I could do. I had a power. A dangerous power. I could convey my soul. I could be awake and aware of everything around me. But how far could I travel? How long could I stay out of my body? Could it **** me if I went out too long? Will it shut me off completely? The questions lingered through my head. I eventually shut my eyes. Hopefully I’ll wake up in the morning. Perhaps I could try again.
It was around two in the morning when I woke up to a terrifying dark room of despair. A cool shudder trickles down my spine. Glancing around nervously, I see somber portraits staring at my pale face from behind layers of dust, seemingly penetrating right through me. Cold, hesitant light streams in through a cracked window, casting eerie shadows on the walls. I was wide awake but my body couldn’t move. I couldn’t even speak. I tried to push out a breath and remain in being. I tried so hard to move, just a muscle. But they would tense up harder each time I tried to move. I couldn't protect myself or scream. I was paralyzed.
The chasm between me and the clock echoed wave-like ticking bombs. I tried to force myself to get up. Several times of aggravating, it suddenly happened. In the split of a second, the air ****** the breath right out of me and I fell on the floor. I didn’t feel a thing. I felt weightless. Kind of like, a ghost. I stood up with my mind. Effortless. I didn’t know what was happening. I was awake and aware of my dark surroundings and everything that was going on around me. I felt my eyes widen over my head while I watched myself sleep. Especially when I was sleeping with open eyes. I got close to my body and slightly put my hand over my face. I got closer and closer to my body. Almost touching it, I zone out into a scary phase. Suddenly, I get ****** back into my body. I saw my room contract back and forth. I was back into my body and I still couldn’t move or speak. I tried again and broke a sweat. This time I flew out of my room and fell in the hallway. I got up slowly and peeked into my mother’s room. I saw her breathing into her pillow. I was amazed and scared in what I was doing. How far can I go? It felt so real and so unreal at the same time. I started walking into my living room then headed down the stairs. It was suddenly bright outside, like I started dreaming again. My mother, father, and brother was having a scrumptious dinner with me. My dog and cat snuggled on my leg. My dog’s tail waved quickly side to side and my cats face rubbed in my ankle. The sun made everyone’s smile shine. There was a lot of happiness and laughter. The scene went over very quickly. My heart started to cry of happiness and joy. Then suddenly I felt a tremble. I flew backwards to the trail I was in. Retracing every footstep I had in 3 seconds. I got ****** back into my body one last time. That’s when I awakened and gasped for air in extreme exhaustion. The lines in my face showed the hurt on my mind, suffering the night as though it were happening again. Looking in the mirror, my face looked slim, with an almost ghostly pallor. The life in my eyes had faded every second since, the dark circles beneath them showing my obvious lack of sleep. My body as a whole had lost itself, hunched over, retracted, and lost its life. The stringiness of my hair made my exhaustion stand out. My clothes were wrinkled, eyes lackluster, and the lines around my mouth had vanished from the absence of a smile for so long a time.
I started to move and I looked around. I started saying random things to speak again. I was in my body again. I sat up in my bed and rubbed my arms. My muscles were weak, tingling, and tired. I plotted back onto my bed. I was afraid to go back to sleep. It was 2:30 in the middle of the night. I sat in my bed thinking to myself. To think about what I could do. I had a power. A dangerous power. I could convey my soul. I could be awake and aware of everything around me. But how far could I travel? How long could I stay out of my body? Could it **** me if I went out too long? Will it shut me off completely? The questions lingered through my head. I eventually shut my eyes. Hopefully I’ll wake up in the morning. Perhaps I could try again.
