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Eden Frenkel Dec 2018
Can't really see when your blind
Built all the walls in my mind
Feels like I've died a thousand times
But anything to get me high

Why are you here
You seem so strong
I'll only pull you under
But don't get me wrong
I've been searching for you for so **** long
But I never wanted to be the lonely one

Don't promise me to be here for me
I can't promise you that I'll never leave
Maybe it's all my insecurities
I still wish you got a hold of me

And your great. But I can't wait.
To get out of here
But i just never wanted to be the lonely one
Eden Frenkel Nov 2018
I was almost killed. That dream started off on a chilly, but sunny morning. “Bye! I love you! Have a good day!” A repetitive thing I’d say to my mom when I would leave to school. I walked to school and on my way I happened to hear a loud car roam. It speeds tremendously fast. As it gets closer, another car backs up out of his drive way quickly. “No!” It happened. Smash. The speeding car rolls over and hits me. I wake up. The vivid dream stuck with me. It ran through my head like a race car. That dream had a reason, an assertion. It’s purpose was intended to give a lost message. I only found that out when it happened.
“Bye! Love you! Have a good day!” I voiced with emotion.
“You too, bye! Have a good day!” I strolled off my driveway and turned right. Down the street the blackbirds fly and chirp in the colored trees. I’d make two more rights at two more stop signs. Still thinking of my dream, I look around in suspicion. What if my dream is going to happen? It bothered me a whole lot for some reason. Then the suspicion came to life. The same roaming sound. My heart shattered beats and my I felt light headed. The ice-cold adrenaline pumped through my pulsing veins as I slightly turned my head to see. I carefully payed close attention to the occurring scene. I just wanted to punch the clock because of coarse, it was bound to happen. It flashed its bright yellow lights and signaled its way into my direction. As it turned, the cars tires screeched louder than the nails on a chalkboard. The red corvette didn’t belong in a town like this. Must of been a visitor. It raced down the street going 90km on a 50km street. 12 years was not enough for me. ****, I didn’t want to die. I wanted to live more. It’s not fair. No, no, no. The black Saturn van backed up quickly out of his driveway as the trees blocked his view. Think fast. There’s no time. There was never any time. I have one more chance to make it. This time, I didn’t just watch, but I ran. I ran for my life. Well at least I thought I ran for my life. It was too late. The corvette car and the Saturn van smashed before my eyes. The red car flipped over in the air and rolled. It was desecrated into several dents. The drivers pale scared face made me trip. I tripped onto the grass. Everything happened too fast. I lost myself. I questioned myself if I had any more strength left to move. I crawled 2 feet. The car shook the ground and shuddered myself out of my body. I weeped my face into the ground and curled up. I hugged myself tight. It stopped. The ground stopped moving. I stopped trembling. I lifted my head. I smelled the smoke sizzle out of the back engine. Blood dripping from his forehead. I stumbled upon my visions. I grabbed my things and ran. I was going to be late for class. I never mentioned anything to anybody. I kept it to myself. So scared and terrified. So much to learn and so much left to live. A lesson I carried within me, to live every second. Because you could be gone in 5,4,3,2... 1.
Eden Frenkel Nov 2018
Come up to meet you, tell you I’m sorry. You don’t know how lovely you are. Thursday Feb 1st 2018

               This is probably one of the hardest days of my life. Making this decision. I have a little one growing in me. And… I don’t want it. And if I really didn’t want it, why do I still cry from the fact that I could have it? If I really didn’t want it, why does it hurt so much to think of abortion. Why do I picture myself laying down on my blue and white carpet and holding my child over me? Why am I taking my child for a walk in the nature? Why am I singing about bumble bees to my sweet child? Why is yellow his/her favourite colour? Why do I picture the love of my life smiling? And why did he have to cry?... Maybe I’m selfish. And even though I know I’d be the best mom, the kindest mom, a nourishing mom, a loving mother that couldn’t let go of her or his little fingers; I cannot now.

I could do what others do. I could have my family. I’ve sinned and haven’t forgiven myself yet. Probably because I know I’ll do it again. Though I’d have my child as the sweetest, I still carry bags of salt. Though I’d have a child that gives, I still carry bags of gold. Though I’ll fill the child with wisdom, truth, and goodness, I will still carry a heart of stone, and a mind of ego. Or maybe I just know myself too well, maybe I’m in tune with myself too much to know what’s right, maybe I can truly follow my instincts, and so I really feel like I can make the best decision.

               My mother made me to save her. And I couldn’t save her. I never wanted to do the same mistake. And I need to be saved, anyway. Will I have this child? After all these thoughts written down. How can I decide. I’ve been convinced several times by several different people to keep it, and they’ll help me. But, I… just don’t want it. I’m not ready. It might never hear the soothings of my voice. It’ll never walk in the nature.

I take life very seriously and I value life. I don’t want to base my decisions on the advice of those who don’t have to deal with the results. It’s agony that I might have to carry my baby in my heart rather than my arms. But who really decides to carry this burden. I do. I get to decide all of it. Just like how I decide to be happy in life. Just how I decide the path I’ll chose tonight.

After thoughts:

        When that child was in my yellow belly, it wasn't quite yellow at all. I felt all the eyes awaken when it was in me. My whole world spun and I didn't recognize where I was at. My streets were dark, I was stuck in the present moment, petrified. Sounds like I resisted? I did. It wasn't depression, but it was my soul speaking to me. My spirit create another. My conscious creating another. My blood creating a heart beat. It was much more complicated then any imagination. An empty void pretty much, possibly existing in a black whole, could be spiritual, could be a gift. Could I have handled this for 6 more months? Or, 20 more years? I wasn't passionate, but I felt it. I was it. I was creating it. It was in me. It was a meditation of spinning figure eights. It was a spider hatching out of his cocoon. It was confusing. That's when my 10th eye opened. I was traveling different dimensions for all I can say. I don't think most people are aware or even conscious of what's happening to the women's psyche when creating a child. Nobody ever told me these experiences. Nobody ever even shared an interest. Or was it just me?

        This was the good decision I've made. I've experienced something a male scorpion couldn't possibly try to comprehend. But, a child, is another universe, another dimension, another perspective, another possibility of the infinite. Some things people that haven't experienced won't understand. I was not ready for it, but I'll know what's coming when I am ready. Valuing life is not a weakness. And disregarding it is not a strength. Next time you gamble, bet your own life.
Eden Frenkel Nov 2018
I was finally home. The smell of warm sheets right out of the dryer cuddled my body. I ran out of tears. I looked in the mirror at the black stream flowing from my eyes. I could feel the dampness of my warm skin as I placed my hand upon my heated cheek. I shouldn’t have to worry about a thing right now. I was ready to sleep under the glow in the dark stars where my life centered beneath at this time of sorrow. Ready to dream away from my misery. My chest clutched and hurt from the pain. “I don’t know why I cut myself. G-d give me a sign or help. I won’t cry, it’ll be fine. I’ll take my last breathe, push it out my chest until there’s nothing left." So much hatred and emotion. I grab the side of the bed, pulling up fast, and the movement strains my pain to a point where, briefly, I’m breath taken—gasping, wincing, grimacing, crying out, reacts however-the-heck I decide. Exactly, my eyes go down briefly and I may or may not break a sweat from the pain—then gripping on it, sets my jaw, pulls myself together as it subsides, and sits there glaring ferociously at my unexpected company. My cat sits beside my thoughts. I don’t want to deal with it anymore. My eyes were slightly open and I drained my very last drops of tears. I can just relax now. I turned towards the rising moon and it was then I could see my eyes glisten in the reflections as I fought to be strong. 10:00 at night the darkness filled my room. I snuggled under my covers until the blanket reached my cold nose. I stared blankly at the glow in the dark stars on my ceiling as my eyes were sore and red. They eventually shut and my body numbed out.

It was around two in the morning when I woke up to a terrifying dark room of despair. A cool shudder trickles down my spine. Glancing around nervously, I see somber portraits staring at my pale face from behind layers of dust, seemingly penetrating right through me. Cold, hesitant light streams in through a cracked window, casting eerie shadows on the walls. I was wide awake but my body couldn’t move. I couldn’t even speak. I tried to push out a breath and remain in being. I tried so hard to move, just a muscle. But they would tense up harder each time I tried to move. I couldn't protect myself or scream. I was paralyzed.
The chasm between me and the clock echoed wave-like ticking bombs. I tried to force myself to get up. Several times of aggravating, it suddenly happened. In the split of a second, the air ****** the breath right out of me and I fell on the floor. I didn’t feel a thing. I felt weightless. Kind of like, a ghost. I stood up with my mind. Effortless. I didn’t know what was happening. I was awake and aware of my dark surroundings and everything that was going on around me. I felt my eyes widen over my head while I watched myself sleep. Especially when I was sleeping with open eyes. I got close to my body and slightly put my hand over my face. I got closer and closer to my body. Almost touching it, I zone out into a scary phase. Suddenly, I get ****** back into my body. I saw my room contract back and forth. I was back into my body and I still couldn’t move or speak. I tried again and broke a sweat. This time I flew out of my room and fell in the hallway. I got up slowly and peeked into my mother’s room. I saw her breathing into her pillow. I was amazed and scared in what I was doing. How far can I go? It felt so real and so unreal at the same time. I started walking into my living room then headed down the stairs. It was suddenly bright outside, like I started dreaming again. My mother, father, and brother was having a scrumptious dinner with me. My dog and cat snuggled on my leg. My dog’s tail waved quickly side to side and my cats face rubbed in my ankle. The sun made everyone’s smile shine. There was a lot of happiness and laughter. The scene went over very quickly. My heart started to cry of happiness and joy. Then suddenly I felt a tremble. I flew backwards to the trail I was in. Retracing every footstep I had in 3 seconds. I got ****** back into my body one last time. That’s when I awakened and gasped for air in extreme exhaustion. The lines in my face showed the hurt on my mind, suffering the night as though it were happening again. Looking in the mirror, my face looked slim, with an almost ghostly pallor. The life in my eyes had faded every second since, the dark circles beneath them showing my obvious lack of sleep. My body as a whole had lost itself, hunched over, retracted, and lost its life. The stringiness of my hair made my exhaustion stand out. My clothes were wrinkled, eyes lackluster, and the lines around my mouth had vanished from the absence of a smile for so long a time.
I started to move and I looked around. I started saying random things to speak again. I was in my body again. I sat up in my bed and rubbed my arms. My muscles were weak, tingling, and tired. I plotted back onto my bed. I was afraid to go back to sleep. It was 2:30 in the middle of the night. I sat in my bed thinking to myself. To think about what I could do. I had a power. A dangerous power. I could convey my soul. I could be awake and aware of everything around me. But how far could I travel? How long could I stay out of my body? Could it **** me if I went out too long? Will it shut me off completely? The questions lingered through my head. I eventually shut my eyes. Hopefully I’ll wake up in the morning. Perhaps I could try again.
Eden Frenkel Nov 2018
The way things are
Are desperately far
Far away from the truth
The truth with peace
Which starts with your brother
Your mother and father
The way they talk to you
The hopeless and worthless person
Will soon become more than hopeless and worthless
To have an idea in this universe
This universe of differences
But what you do is what the whole universe is doing
Trying and trying
The world worsens into lies
Because you can’t handle the truth
When you can’t forgive yourself
With open hearts we will
Embrace our mistakes
We’ll be okay
The way things are
Are desperately far
From the way it should be
We’ll get there, you and me.
Eden Frenkel Nov 2018
Take me from this hospital bed
Save me from the words left unsaid
They creep up in my memories
When I have trouble sleeping
The riots flutter through me
The burning wood lets me down
I feel so let down so used up and so worthless
When she said she loved me
I’d do everything for you
The lies hurt me
Nothing but lies
It got so bad and the pain froze me up
A ***** a ***** and a liar
I looked at myself paralysed and numb
The only person I have is next to me
Until everything gets better
He’s all I have and love
Her voice creeps up my memories and I have a picture
My eyes bawl out and I cant breathe
She left me and threw me out
Take me from this hospital bed
Into the broken light
Eden Frenkel Nov 2018
I remember, it was summer. I handed everybody my homemade pizza sandwiches. The smell of crispy baked bread with warm melting mozzarella cheese and sweet rich ripe tomato sauce. My friends and I were on a road trip full of leaping laughter. Laughter that grew six packs in our cheeks. Highways I call home. Songs we sang that came to life. We called ourselves the six pack. Driving an endless road down Lilly-stocks green fields and corn crops, jokes are made that make the day spark with amber. Hugs and kisses made our heart explode. The hugs and kisses that our parents no longer gave us anymore.

“You can run away with me any time you want.” We kept singing to the good and bad beats tuning out the radio as our voices warmed the air. Making the best of them, and making the air fresher than it actually was. Smelling no more than a flower in disguise. The girls lip gloss smiles and the boys lose leather seats shined. The girls laughed and chained while the boys sang their favourite songs. Their voices lit up the day more and continued a jubilant bumpy road. I remember my boyfriend putting the car in park. We all jumped out onto the warm concrete as we had our running shoes and gear ready. We walked in the forest and jumped over big streams of spring water. He held my hand and kissed my cheek. A perfect world on a perfect day. A photograph that would last a million years. Love and good times was our culture. We sang to the beat of our hearts.

“Cruising down the highway with my friends, top down and we're all on our way to the beach. And everyone keeps laughing at those cars we are passing, as we're ******* down that funny, funny ****. Oh yeah… oh yeah! We're rolling up to sand, take your shoes off, man. We are skinny dipping underneath the sea. And it's a chicken fight clan, throw your dukes up, "wham!". We are splashing in the water to the beat. Oh yeah… oh yeah! Crossing sandy dunes, hot day, mid-June. Naked kids, running wild, and free. It's summer time fun, relax and stay young. You could be home, with Oprah Winfrey. The water feels nice, dive deep down under. The ships, and treasures make reef. Just one of those days, had a blue, perfect wave. Come out, and join. You'll see. We are lying in the sun, when you’re done find a towel. Now we're thinking of where we're gonna eat. Back corner table, order lobsters and Black Label. Raise your glasses, here's to living out our dreams.”
We all ran with full stomachs down the beach to unpack in our clean house cabin. We all clunked on the couches and flicked the television on. My boyfriend Billy was laughing about bad pranks on the beach with his two best friends Dalek and Tanek. Nelly’s dating Dalek and Quinns dating Tanek. My two best girlfriends. Chatting away we heard a shattering noise. We all give each other looks and rush to the startling noise coming from the bathroom.
“It’s coming from that vent.” Billy pointed and looked at me. A huge metal vent with blue spirals. The vent shook the wall and the vent cover fell off. Billy saw a green creature run down the vent and took his flashlight. “I saw something! There! Down there!”
“Yeah let’s go in there and catch ‘em!” Dalek dramatically spun.
“There is no way on earth I’m going in there!” Nelly poked Daleks shoulder.
“Yeah, there could be..” I took Billy’s flashlight and held it under my face. “Aliens!” I said deeper in a jokingly manner. Everyone knows Daleks consternating fear for aliens.
“Aliens?” Dalek blankly stared and fearfully jumped in to Taneks arms. Billy wrapped his arms around me.
“No way on earth you’re going in there without me Betty babe.” I snatched his flashlight again and crawled into the small space. “That’s not a good idea though, come on Betty, come back.” Billy worried.
“I’m just looking!” My voice echoed down the humongous vent as I suddenly slipped. “Billy! Help!” I slid down the vent and rolled on my side as Billy shouted.
“I’m coming Betty! Wait there!” Everyone decided to follow and by the time I saw Billy, Billy and I heard the girls screaming and the guys laughing down the slippery vent.
“We stick together!” Quinn fainted in Tanek’s arms.
“Yeah, now who’s gonna get the magical rope and magically bring us back up?” I knuckled her hair roughly.
“I’m freaking out guys. I don’t want to be here. It’s *****. It’s rusty. I like these pants! Dalek! Why’d you push me down?!” Nelly heated.
“Shh! We can’t wake the aliens.” Dalek gulped and held her head tightly to his chest.
“There it is!” Billy shouted. The wrinkley green face ran out a different vent outside.
“We’re okay guys, look. We’ll go outside that vent, there, and we’ll be okay.” We crawled in relief and I was the first person to fall. I fell in the sand as well as everybody else mocked.
“Damit Dalek, I can‘t believe you got me into -” Nelly choked on the sand. The green alien appeared and spoke.
“Greetings!” it giggled. “I’m alien here harvest your brain.” It chuckled. It spat a big laugh and spoke again “Just kidding, my name is Jungalo. I see you’re in danger. You shouldn’t be here.” I look up into the bright sky light as I shadow my eyes with my hand. It’s definitely not human. But a male creature I assume. He stands awkwardly with a cup of fresh sardines in his awkward hands coming from the purple lake as the wind whistles. The warm peanutbutterflies flutter in the peanut fields. Millions and millions of peanuts. The green alien walked us down the trails of snails and over a few bridges. The lake’s shore was covered with sardines. Jungalo grabbed the purple well water took a bucket full of sardines too.“Hey there Jungalo!” The purple kids shouted from a distance; little goats apparently allergic to fish. I tried catching the peanutbutterflies to eat, because Jungalo said they tasted good. The creatures tasted scrumptious. We stumble across the rocky trails and jump into his tree house. Not any old regular tree house. A door on the tree that has a staircase. An underground house. Jungalo puts the sardines in the *** and lets it boil. I find these white fluffy candy planted around the tree. It’s shaped like a mushroom but we call Jungalo says their marshmellowshrooms, AKA double M shrooms. I love the feeling and smell of them so I pick them.
“Don’t! Don’t! Put that down!” The little green alien’s awkward fist monstrously hit me and I fell to the floor. Not just that, but I blacked out.
My breathe escaped and I jumped off the couch. I looked around the living room dizzy and unaware of my surroundings. The wooden floors were scratched and there was tomato juice spilt on the carpets. I had a feeling that tomato juice wasn’t the only thing we consumed.
I was too frightened to move. Seeing the empty bottles laying everywhere, I fell to my knees once more and weakly fell back into my sleep.
A food I once ate. In my kitchen when my mom baked. My taste buds had an overrate. To the flower and powder in my mother’s cake. On and on I express about things that make no sense. But I still move my lips to the beat of the tense. Riding up and down the hills of confusion. Maybe there could be a lack of resolution. Make it count, make it count. My mother in blue says. I’ll remember her words for the rest of my days. Take a nap, take a nap for goodness sakes. I’ll warm you the light to discourage the shapes. I love you darling, never forget. The tears I cried when I had my baby brunette.
My eyes slightly open. Where am I? With my feather head, I stand up and see Billy. I wobble and try shaking everyone up. Nobody moves. I stumble to Billy’s face and try to wake him last.
“Please wake up Billy!” I shook him and topple beside him. I try getting up even though my paralyzed legs try to stop me. I grabbed cold water from the kitchen and dumped it on his face. I watch him moan in pain and sickness.
“Billy!” I had enough energy to pull him to my chest. He looked up at me and spoke.
“Betty, what’s going on?” He grabbed me.
“I don’t know. I think we need to call for help.” I held his shoulder
“Are you kidding? We’re not doing legal things here Betty. We have to wake everyone up and we have to go home.”
“Billy I’ve already tried.” I teared. Billy tried moving everybody hard but nobody even flinched.

We heard hard loud knocks one after another behind the front door. We glance at each other quickly and clumsily walk to the door. Billy opened the door. A woman dressed in white stood there which pinched my pupils. It waited patiently just around the corner, peeking out from over the horizon. Death.
“Don’t be scared. Come with me.” She turned around as her wings fluttered like the fins of angel-fish. “Don’t worry you’ll see her very soon.”
My mom flashed before my eyes. "You're beginning to drag the ones you love down. Maybe you should just fall, and leave the world and lose it all. Maybe that's what you need, to finally see, I loved you through it all. It may feel like God went north, and left you to be. But all you need to know, is you have everything you need. It's just a blink of an eye, until the next time we meet. I'll hold you 'til the end, I'll hold you 'til you're free.” She hugged me.
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