I used to love the snow more than anything.
I used to feel the glow of exultation whenever I saw those fluffy flakes.
            I still like snow, but it will never be the same.
It takes me back to the day I fell in love with my beast.
You picked me up in that ***** old pickup of yours.
I can still smell the dust and grease from years of traveling gravel roads.
             Thinking of it feels like suffocating.
It was cold but sunny and the sky was a vibrant blue.
Almost as blue as your eyes.
You smiled at me from the drivers seat.
I smiled back.
This was my first date ever and I was so excited to be sharing it with the guy of my dreams.
            When did you change?
We had the best time sliding.
            I still haven't gone sliding since.
You gave me your gloves and when I said I was fine you just pointed out that I speak quietly when I'm lying.
            You knew me better than anyone.
            You used to care so much.
We went inside and had hot chocolate with extra marshmallows because you always were obsessed with the little things.
            I didn't know how it would drive me crazy later.
The perfect date ended with cuddling next the fireplace. You told me you wanted to stay there forever.
            I should have known that a forever next to a fire always
            leads to burns.
I fell in love with the boy with messy hair. Who used to walk me to my car. The boy who was terrified when I started getting more and more sick. The boy who held me as I violently shook just trying to breathe. The boy who I spent everyday with. The boy who gave me the next book in my favorite series for Christmas filled to the brim with quotes about love. The boy who would slow dance with me in his room listening to his record collection.
           When you left me you had changed. You stopped singing with me in the car. There were no good morning texts. No hello sunshine greetings. You stopped turning in your homework. You stopped debating me on all of our stupid little topics. You stopped talking to me in general. You had lost your passion for life. Did I do that? Did I do something wrong? Did I create the monster that currently haunts me dreams. The guy who didn't talk unless it was to fight. The guy who broke my car door by slamming it too hard. The guy who ignored me for a full month. The guy who refused to go to Prom with me. The guy who talked constantly with another girl. The guy who left me for her.
I think of all this when it snows.
I think of all of the things I could have done differently.
I think of how deep down inside myself I know I still love you.